To say I've been down in the dumps lately would be an understatement. The foundation of everything I hold dear is fixin' to crumble and I am ill prepared. I didn't see this coming. I really didn't.
A marriage is like a roller coaster ride to be corny and cliche'. It has it's ups, it as it's downs. I'd grown used to them and expected the downs would pass as they always did. I think in some very remote corner of my mind I still believe this down will pass like the others. I just don't like to admit it out loud because shattered hopes are hard enough to handle alone. Publicly shattered hopes are agonizing.
We are settling into a routine. We co-exist. We speak when necessary and avoid anything that might spark an argument. If at all possible we resort to communicating electronically via text messages and e-mails. We don't really have arguments and on the rare occasion when it seems one may crop up we quickly defuse it. I think we're both afraid to upset the precarious balance we're hanging onto right now.
I won't lie. I have moments when the lonliness and fear overwhelm me. Most nights I don't sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a stretch. And I've gone well over twenty-four hours with no sleep at all. Though last night I did manage to get in over six hours. A few more nights of that and I might actually start to feel human again.
One of the few things we (he and I) agree on is that talking and fighting things to death right now won't solve anything and could very well cause further damage. I know this nonchalant approach won't work long term but for now it's all I can handle emotionally.
Thankfully there are other things for me to focus on right now. The kids' 1st Holy Communion is next Saturday, the school year is winding down and I have some personal goals I'm working on. I'm not moving quite as quickly as I normally would but hey, I'm getting there.
And on that note I need to drag myself away from the idiot box (TV) and my portal to another world (lap top) and attempt to be productive. (Can you feel the enthusiasm???)