Thursday, October 28, 2010

Self revelation...

I have this grand plan that I’m slowly working on. Bit by bit. There have been roadblocks and bumps along the way but I’m getting there. In the midst of all that, I’m grappling with one dilemma after another. I question my every move and take an exorbitant amount of time to make a decision. Then, when I finally make one, I second guess myself.

I’ve never been a “go get ‘em” kind of girl. I work in subtlety. Which is code for “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” and nine times out of ten when I’m successful at something it’s a result of good ol’ fashioned dumb luck or divine intervention. I am convinced that God spends 90% of the day exasperated with me, shaking his head in disbelief or disgust or both. And when I finally close my eyes every three days to sleep he sighs and says, “She’s so cute when she’s asleep….” much like the parent of a toddler in the throes of the terrible two’s. (Yes I DO occasionally throw small temper tantrums! What of it???)

I live with an almost constant fear residing in me. Some days it’s just below the surface and threatens to boil over any second. Other days I can bury it and damn near ignore it all together. But it’s always there. I can exude self assurance and fool even the most observant of people into believing that I really am confident in myself and have it all together. But the truth is I’m a train wreck. I’m impatient, klutzy, scared to death of the unknown, often disorganized and disheveled and would lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my body.

As a teenager my bedroom looked a bit like something left in the wake of a tornado. For years I probably couldn’t have told you exactly what color my carpet was it was so littered with clothing, books, stuffed animals, homework I’d forgotten to hand in weeks before and other teenage girl “stuff”. My mother waged a tyrannical war against me for four years in an attempt to keep my room from being condemned. I fought back every step of the way.

Yet somehow each morning I’d emerge from the chaos looking put together and with it. It was a fa├žade I maintained to assure that none of my peers ever knew of the battle I fought everyday. The battle against self doubt. No matter how sincere in friendship someone might have seemed I always harbored deep seated fears that it was all an act put on for my benefit. I always worried that I wasn’t liked and my so called friends weren’t really my friends after all. And in matters of the heart?? Forget it. I unconsciously sabotaged every relationship I was ever in because I just couldn’t accept that this member of the male species, a confusing, exasperating species, really cared about me.

I never felt a true sense of belonging and camaraderie within my circle of “friends”. Mind you, teenagers aren’t always known for their sincerity and tact. We were all likely, waging some internal battle with ourselves and the barrage of hormones that nature had unleashed within our bodies. Making all of us prone to moments of self doubt and cruelty to others as a defense mechanism. But as far as I was concerned no one else felt the way I did and therefore I couldn’t tell anyone know the things that haunted my mind on a daily basis.

You often hear adults reminisce about days past and utter things like “I’d love to spend just one day back in high school.” with a wistful nostalgic tone of voice and dreamy smile. Me? Hell no! I’d rather be attacked by a pack of wolves which, let’s face it, is much the same as being the victim of teenage scorn, particularly when said teens are of the female variety. Ya’ know? The infamous mean girls.

I vetoed girls names put forward by husband while I was pregnant with my daughter simply because I’d known some girl in high school with the name. “Oh no. No daughter of mine is going to be named Mildred. I knew a Mildred in high school and she was a bitch.” He’d look at me with that confused look donned by all men when faced with female logic that seems anything but logical. But no amount of persuading could move me. The name was relegated to the “over my dead body” column.

I can honestly say there are only two things I look back on fondly. Cheerleading and the brief period in which I “went out” with “Dude”. He shall remain nameless other than that. My best friends know exactly who I’m talking about. Dude was my first “true love” and the first guy who really broke my heart. One other had come close to the latter but I was just barely past becoming a teenager then so it had less impact.

The rest of high school and even a large chunk of my last few years in grade school are a blur of self loathing, taunting and teasing that I’d sooner forget. I haven’t. Some things just stay with you. No matter how hard you try to push them away. At my age the memories sting less and I’m even able to laugh at some of them. But there are still a few that haunt me. If I’m being honest, that little girl is still hanging around and would find great pleasure in some good old fashioned revenge. I keep her quiet with chocolate and music.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Yawn...

This whole insomnia thing is getting really old. Despite a pitch black room, two Excedrin PM and some soft music set veeeeery low I STILL couldn't fall asleep!! I laid there, with my eyes closed and my brain just went into overdrive. Divorce, finding a job, wondering if I'm being a complete fool, worrying about the kids, school, the holidays, blah, blah, blah.

Within a half an hour I had a headache, my heart was racing, I had a serious case of the shakes and was sobbing my heart out. HOW does one get a headache a half an hour AFTER taking Excedrin PM??? HOW does one NOT fall asleep with a sleep aid in their system??? And for God sakes I'm SICK of crying! I'm getting on my own nerves!!

So I climbed out of bed and abandoned the idea of sleeping all together. No point in wasting time laying there when I could be productive. Since I was obviously not going off to dreamland.

I need a vacation. Or a long weekend somewhere peaceful and quiet. I also need to figure out HOW to stop feeling the way I do or I'm going to end up having a nervous breakdown. Something I can't help but think my stbx (soon to be ex) would take pleasure in. He'll deny it but I don't believe him. Of course, I don't believe very many people these days. The Good Lord himself could come down and tell me something was true and I still wouldn't be able to really believe it.

I don't like what I'm becoming. Bitter, angry, hurting, sad, always crying. Don't get me wrong I DO find some enjoyment in life. My kids can still make me laugh. I enjoy spending time with my closest friends. I can escape into a book, though not as easily as I could before all of this bullshit started. As a general rule I can start and finish a book in under twelve hours. I've been known to read 7-10 books in a week's time. I've only managed to read, maybe, four books in the last two months.

Ok.. whine over.. I know, I know... I'm getting on everyone's nerves. No offense.. but ask me if I give a rat's patootie. :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

If one more person...

...tells me that I have to let go of the sadness and hurt, stop thinking about the feelings and just do what needs to be done they're going to get my foot so far up their ass that we'll both need to go to the hospital to get it out.

I KNOW what I have to do thank you very much. I'm painfully aware of what I have to do. But unlike some people I am not a robot. I can't stop feeling and hurting with the flip of switch. I WISH I could!

Do ya'll (I'm using "ya'll" in general terms) think I LIKE feeling this way???? Seriously??? Don't ya' think I'd LOVE to just feel better all the time??? Trust me.. I would very much like to stop feeling alone, scared, unsure of myself and distrustful of everyone and everything. But I AM HUMAN! I've been lied to, let down and hurt so damn much, so many damn times that I've lost the ability to have blind faith in anything.

I trust no one. I believe no one. I want too. God I want too. But I CAN'T.

I'm just trying to keep myself sane and still make this whole divorce a little easier on everyone. I know that the general consensus is that I should "stick it to him" and maybe he even deserves that (ok, he does) but *I* have to be able to live with myself in the end. And I still maintain that carrying myself with dignity and maturity is the best way to go. If for no other reason than holding myself to a higher standard than he is holding himself too.

I'm also feeling depressed and discouraged. I have applied for a job after job and have yet to get a SINGLE call for an interview. I'm 41 yrs old, I haven't worked outside of the home in almost 20 yrs and I'm competing against twenty-something yr olds when the unemployment rate is up. I feel pathetic and worthless. And just a little pissed off at myself for giving up on my own goals for so many years.

There's very little respect for stay at home parents these days. *I* know I have the most important job in the world. I know that these years weren't wasted. And I feel betrayed by my soon to be ex husband. I feel like the minute it became possible for me to go after my goals again he decided to bail on me. And now I'm being forced to struggle and fight for some minimum wage, dead end job. And that pisses me off too.

I'm tired. I'm hurting. And I feel completely alone.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The things I miss...

The things I miss…

I’ve come to accept the end of my marriage. There are still moments when the enormity of it hits me like a ton of bricks. “Divorce. I’m getting a divorce.” I never thought that statement would ever apply to me. Divorce was something that happened to other people. Now it’s happening to me.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about what my future holds. I expect that anxiety will be present on and off for quite some time. I’m learning to cope with it. I know it won’t be there forever. I know that there will be joy, success and love in my future.

But there are things I miss. They are little things. Things that most of us take for granted until we don’t have them anymore.

I miss having a lap to lay in while I’m watching TV.

I miss having someone to talk to while I’m cooking dinner.

I miss knowing there is someone waiting for me at home when I‘m away.

I miss sharing my dreams with someone and having them want those things for me.

I miss laying in bed next to someone every night.

I miss looking forward to someone coming home at the end of the day.

I miss having someone to call when I’m excited or sad about something.

I miss walking hand in hand with someone.

I know what you’re thinking. I have my kids. And I love my kids. But it’s not the same as having a life partner.