Thursday, October 21, 2010

If one more person...

...tells me that I have to let go of the sadness and hurt, stop thinking about the feelings and just do what needs to be done they're going to get my foot so far up their ass that we'll both need to go to the hospital to get it out.

I KNOW what I have to do thank you very much. I'm painfully aware of what I have to do. But unlike some people I am not a robot. I can't stop feeling and hurting with the flip of switch. I WISH I could!

Do ya'll (I'm using "ya'll" in general terms) think I LIKE feeling this way???? Seriously??? Don't ya' think I'd LOVE to just feel better all the time??? Trust me.. I would very much like to stop feeling alone, scared, unsure of myself and distrustful of everyone and everything. But I AM HUMAN! I've been lied to, let down and hurt so damn much, so many damn times that I've lost the ability to have blind faith in anything.

I trust no one. I believe no one. I want too. God I want too. But I CAN'T.

I'm just trying to keep myself sane and still make this whole divorce a little easier on everyone. I know that the general consensus is that I should "stick it to him" and maybe he even deserves that (ok, he does) but *I* have to be able to live with myself in the end. And I still maintain that carrying myself with dignity and maturity is the best way to go. If for no other reason than holding myself to a higher standard than he is holding himself too.

I'm also feeling depressed and discouraged. I have applied for a job after job and have yet to get a SINGLE call for an interview. I'm 41 yrs old, I haven't worked outside of the home in almost 20 yrs and I'm competing against twenty-something yr olds when the unemployment rate is up. I feel pathetic and worthless. And just a little pissed off at myself for giving up on my own goals for so many years.

There's very little respect for stay at home parents these days. *I* know I have the most important job in the world. I know that these years weren't wasted. And I feel betrayed by my soon to be ex husband. I feel like the minute it became possible for me to go after my goals again he decided to bail on me. And now I'm being forced to struggle and fight for some minimum wage, dead end job. And that pisses me off too.

I'm tired. I'm hurting. And I feel completely alone.

1 comment:

  1. You have a right to feel whatever you want to feel. It is what you do with those feelings that counts. Being the bigger person IS the best way to go and you will be a better person in the end because of it.
    By the end of my first marriage, I was just DONE. I no longer had feelings for him, hatred or otherwise. I was ready to move on and find what I deserve. However, I know you are in a different situation than I was.