Wednesday, June 30, 2010

No improvement...

If anything it's gotten worse. I'm still seesawing back and forth between wanting to save my marriage and wanting this just to be all over. I am so tired. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of worrying about where he really is when he claims he's working late. In short.. I'm sick and tired of this entire situation.

I want to hate him. And some days I feel like I do. But most days I ache for him. I hate that he has this much power over me. I wish I could be one of those people who just lets things roll off their back. But I'm not. I've always been ultra sensitive. And it hasn't always served me well. As a kid it meant that I was an easy target for teasing. Because the other kids knew they could get to me.

As an adult it means I take everything personally. I've gotten a little better over the years. But I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I still get my feelings hurt easily.

I just want the hurt to go away.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It must have been...

...divine intervention. Had my internet not been wonky for most of Tuesday I probably would have posted a blog laced with rage and hatred. The day marked one week since I'd shed a tear. Until early evening when an argument with the buffoon had me alternately seeing red and sobbing.

Thankfully I yanked myself out of the quicksand of despair, drove down to Deb and Pete's and just hung out there for a few hours. Like I said, if I didn't have them to escape too I might be in a padded cell right now.

This is so hard. One minute I'm hell bent on doing whatever it takes to save my marriage and in the next I'm questioning why the hell I want to stay married to a man that I don't seem to know anymore. Then in the next minute I think of my kids and how it would crush them to see the family broken apart. Is it ever a good idea to "stay together for the kids"?? And what happens when they're all gone. Logan is only seven. We have another good eleven years to go with him. I am NOT living this way for eleven years.

Or does he think we'll wait until Logan is older, a teenager? At which point, maybe he thinks, the kids will cope with it all better? Neither scenario takes ME into consideration. So far this has been about what HE wants and what's good for the kids. I love my kids. I DO NOT want to do anything to hurt them or cause them undue stress. But I don't want to be miserable for years either.

In short... I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Three days...

I've gone three whole days, MORE than three whole days, without crying or ending up in a fight with the buffoon. I've had to bite my tongue a few times but I breathed through it and it passed.

This evening I'll be heading down to my best friend's house for some shopping and scrapping. I NEED to get out of here for a few hours on weekends. He (the buffoon) and I in the same space is stifling at times and both of us need the break.

Sunday the parental units are coming over for dinner in celebration of Father's Day. This is when the buffoon and I get to hone our acting skills. Under no uncertain circumstances can they find out what's going on right now. Those of you who know my mother know why this is of the utmost importance. If and when it becomes necessary I'll tell them. From a remote island with crappy cell service.

For those that believe in God... please make contact now:o)~

Friday, June 18, 2010

I feel like a broken record...

Quite possibly on the brink of divorce I consider my looming over the horizon forty-first birthday. Of all the things I imagine being in my life, a middle aged, divorced, single mother of six was not on my top ten list of things I wanted to be when I grew up.

My husband; the man who seventeen plus years ago promised to honor and love me in good times and bad times til’ death do us part; snores quietly next to me. Apparently sleeping within less than thirty feet of me is no longer repugnant to him. Or he’s so tired he doesn’t care.

Part of me is resigned to a life of uncertainty for, at least, some stretch of time. I’m trying to approach it with a positive attitude and focus on the kids and anything other than my failing marriage.

Don't get me wrong... part of me wants to grab that man by the collar and shake him, violently, while screaming.. “GROW UP!!!! SERIOUSLY! You are forty-five God damned years old. Life isn’t always fair. It isn’t always a bowl of cherries. Seventeen plus years I have given you and THIS is what I get???? I don’t think so buddy!!……” But I hold my tongue. Knowing that unleashing this tirade on him will only result in screaming and yelling. The kids don’t need to see that and I honestly don’t have the energy to go through it.

So I smile. I cook. I clean. I do load after load after load of laundry. I read. I play with the kids. I feed them. Entertain them. Worry about them. I try to speak to the buffoon in a civilized way when communicating becomes necessary and I remain as neutral as possible on all topics. I don’t bring up our issues. We can hash those out with the counselor, out of the earshot of the kids.

I can honestly say that I’m not feeling as bad as I was a week ago and I'm feeling much better than I was two weeks ago. That’s all I can ask for.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Changing emotions..

And they seem to be doing so without my input...

Upon learning my husband was probably not in love with me I found myself longing for his mere presence in the house. I felt completely unhinged when he wasn't here. Despite the fact that even when he was here we didn't speak much and when we did it quickly escalated to yelling and fighting.

Now I wait, with baited breath, for the moment when he'll head out the door to work or when he'll finally fall asleep for the night. Because I'm almost uncomfortable around him. And at times simply looking at him will annoy the poo out of me. For no other reason than he's breathing the wrong way or something equally as ridiculous. And I would bet my last dollar he's feeling much the same way about me.

I expected that there would come a time when this would happen. That I'd begin to detach myself from him. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly or so suddenly. I have no idea if it will last or if this is just the next phase in the journey.

What I do know is I feel better, if only a little bit, now that I can go well over twenty-four hours without bursting into gut wrenching sobs. Crying is exhausting. I tear up now and then. But when I feel it coming I try and take a deep breath and find some anger. Because I AM angry on top of everything else. For a multitude of reasons that I'm not going to go into. If I'm angry I won't cry. I use the anger to mad clean a room or a whole floor of the house. It's that or scream at the buffoon. Which accomplishes nothing.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I don't know...

...if anyone will see this since I'm no longer posting links on Facebook. I'm actually no longer on Facebook as most of you know. And I have ZERO desire to "be on it". I won't say I don't occasionally miss it. But not enough to reactivate my account at this time. Maybe somewhere down the road I will.

Nothing has changed since the last time I blogged. Although we did see a counselor for the first time last week and we have a second appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) evening. I still have very little hope that it will "save" my marriage. But it may just save me.

The truth is I am beginning to believe that it's too late for counseling. I'm fast reaching a point where I don't like my husband very much. I'll always love him on some level but I don't know if I want to be married to him anymore.

I know this is a complete turnaround from where I was a few weeks ago. But you have to remember I've been dealing with all of this for nearly six months. I'm running out of patience and energy. I REFUSE to try and "win him back" or chase him. I'm forty God damned years old for Pete sakes. I'm too old to play juvenile games.

I'll be honest with you. I'm seeing him a new a light. And it isn't very flattering. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. But quite frankly I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks of me right now. Right now, in my ever so humble opinion, there's only one way I can describe him. He's being an ASS. (He'll tell you I'm being a bitch. Touche'. Ya' get what ya' give. No matter how neutral or nice I try to be his response is indifferent at best and hostile at worst. He's admitted he's done "some things" out of sheer spite. How adult of him. (sarcasm intended) He also seems to take great pleasure in hurting me.

He loves to tell me what his friends and family think of me or repeat some "comment" they made to him. Gee, WHEN have I EVER given a damn what most of my in-laws thought of me??? I knew a LONG time ago I wasn't liked or welcomed in the family. I am a Heck by name only. I am not, and have never been, a member of the family. As for his friends.. well I don't think too highly of most of them either. There are a few who have redeeming qualities and a few I'd admit to actually liking. But even their opinions don't count in my world. Nor do I believe mine counts in theirs.

If I REALLY wanted to be a bitch (and trust me there is a part of me that REALLY does want to be one) I'd let everyone in on a few things I know about some people. Instead I'll leave it at this.... some people have no business passing judgement on others. Particularly when their own moral standards are so skewed that they repeatedly engage in behavior that can be described as nothing less than immoral and then they brag about it like that is something to be respected. Wake up and smell the coffee folks. In comparison to some people, I'm God damn Mother Theresa.

The bottom line is... I'm tired. I'm fed up with the whole situation. Maybe that's where I need to be right now. Maybe it's a permanent thing or maybe it's simply my psyche's defense mechanism. If I don't care, I can't get hurt. I went ALMOST seventy-two hours without shedding a single tear this weekend. A first in a very long time. I'd been crying several times a day, everyday, for months. I succumbed to the tears earlier tonite during a "heated exchange" with the buffoon. And then got downright pissed at myself for letting him get to me once again.

I ended up taking a drive down to my best friend's house and hanging out there chatting with her and her husband for a few hours. It did me a world of good. Honestly, if it wasn't for the two of them I think I would be in a padded cell right now.