Thursday, June 17, 2010

Changing emotions..

And they seem to be doing so without my input...

Upon learning my husband was probably not in love with me I found myself longing for his mere presence in the house. I felt completely unhinged when he wasn't here. Despite the fact that even when he was here we didn't speak much and when we did it quickly escalated to yelling and fighting.

Now I wait, with baited breath, for the moment when he'll head out the door to work or when he'll finally fall asleep for the night. Because I'm almost uncomfortable around him. And at times simply looking at him will annoy the poo out of me. For no other reason than he's breathing the wrong way or something equally as ridiculous. And I would bet my last dollar he's feeling much the same way about me.

I expected that there would come a time when this would happen. That I'd begin to detach myself from him. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly or so suddenly. I have no idea if it will last or if this is just the next phase in the journey.

What I do know is I feel better, if only a little bit, now that I can go well over twenty-four hours without bursting into gut wrenching sobs. Crying is exhausting. I tear up now and then. But when I feel it coming I try and take a deep breath and find some anger. Because I AM angry on top of everything else. For a multitude of reasons that I'm not going to go into. If I'm angry I won't cry. I use the anger to mad clean a room or a whole floor of the house. It's that or scream at the buffoon. Which accomplishes nothing.

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