Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I don't know...

...if anyone will see this since I'm no longer posting links on Facebook. I'm actually no longer on Facebook as most of you know. And I have ZERO desire to "be on it". I won't say I don't occasionally miss it. But not enough to reactivate my account at this time. Maybe somewhere down the road I will.

Nothing has changed since the last time I blogged. Although we did see a counselor for the first time last week and we have a second appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) evening. I still have very little hope that it will "save" my marriage. But it may just save me.

The truth is I am beginning to believe that it's too late for counseling. I'm fast reaching a point where I don't like my husband very much. I'll always love him on some level but I don't know if I want to be married to him anymore.

I know this is a complete turnaround from where I was a few weeks ago. But you have to remember I've been dealing with all of this for nearly six months. I'm running out of patience and energy. I REFUSE to try and "win him back" or chase him. I'm forty God damned years old for Pete sakes. I'm too old to play juvenile games.

I'll be honest with you. I'm seeing him a new a light. And it isn't very flattering. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. But quite frankly I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks of me right now. Right now, in my ever so humble opinion, there's only one way I can describe him. He's being an ASS. (He'll tell you I'm being a bitch. Touche'. Ya' get what ya' give. No matter how neutral or nice I try to be his response is indifferent at best and hostile at worst. He's admitted he's done "some things" out of sheer spite. How adult of him. (sarcasm intended) He also seems to take great pleasure in hurting me.

He loves to tell me what his friends and family think of me or repeat some "comment" they made to him. Gee, WHEN have I EVER given a damn what most of my in-laws thought of me??? I knew a LONG time ago I wasn't liked or welcomed in the family. I am a Heck by name only. I am not, and have never been, a member of the family. As for his friends.. well I don't think too highly of most of them either. There are a few who have redeeming qualities and a few I'd admit to actually liking. But even their opinions don't count in my world. Nor do I believe mine counts in theirs.

If I REALLY wanted to be a bitch (and trust me there is a part of me that REALLY does want to be one) I'd let everyone in on a few things I know about some people. Instead I'll leave it at this.... some people have no business passing judgement on others. Particularly when their own moral standards are so skewed that they repeatedly engage in behavior that can be described as nothing less than immoral and then they brag about it like that is something to be respected. Wake up and smell the coffee folks. In comparison to some people, I'm God damn Mother Theresa.

The bottom line is... I'm tired. I'm fed up with the whole situation. Maybe that's where I need to be right now. Maybe it's a permanent thing or maybe it's simply my psyche's defense mechanism. If I don't care, I can't get hurt. I went ALMOST seventy-two hours without shedding a single tear this weekend. A first in a very long time. I'd been crying several times a day, everyday, for months. I succumbed to the tears earlier tonite during a "heated exchange" with the buffoon. And then got downright pissed at myself for letting him get to me once again.

I ended up taking a drive down to my best friend's house and hanging out there chatting with her and her husband for a few hours. It did me a world of good. Honestly, if it wasn't for the two of them I think I would be in a padded cell right now.


  1. Counseling is a good step. It will help you make the right decision, whatever that may be. I wish you luck and you know how to find me :D

  2. Even if he doesn't want to participate in counseling... please keep going.
    This is a very difficult situation, and a non involved party can help you look at it objectively

    Hang in there... I am praying for you. :)