Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Last blog...

I'm done. I have nothing left in me. I'll be deleting this blog in the next few days. It's time to unplug and focus on me. Just me. I can't be anything to anyone until I fix myself.

Thank you all for the support, the kind words and the love. All have been appreciated more than I can ever express. Anyone needs me, ya' know where to find me. Hugs!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Rambling thoughts...

I have the TV turned off, the lights out and a candle lit. Silence surrounds me. The only sound is my own breathing and the distant sound of the train rolling through town. When we first moved into this house I found an odd comfort in that sound. I noticed it most often late at night and many nights I fell asleep to it’s rhythm.

This house used to be my refuge. It’s not perfect and sometimes I want to gut it and start all over but it’s mine. At least it is for now. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, five years or ten years. I always imagined I’d be right here hosting holiday dinners and family BBQ’s for my family, friends, children and someday grandchildren. I never dreamed I’d be facing the monumental changes I'm now facing.

I have days where I am full of hope and motivation. Days when I feel like I can conquer the world. Then there are other days. Days where hope is nonexistent and I can’t muster the energy and motivation to fold a load of laundry. Those are the rough days. The days I need someone to vent, cry and basically bitch too. Something I loathe doing.

I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and like I’m nothing more than an overgrown baby. I hate complaining to people because I know it could be worse and I also think some people might be sick of hearing me. I’M sick of hearing me.

There’s no rhyme or reason to the ebbs and flows of my moods. One morning I’ll wake up and feel ready to start a new day. Other mornings I want to stay buried under my comforter and sleep forever.

Logically I know this is normal for someone going through the life altering events I am. Had you asked me a year ago if I thought my marriage would ever end I’d have emphatically told you no. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m not going to lie and say it was all bad. It wasn’t. No matter what, I have six great kids and they make everything worth it.

But looking back I realize we jumped head first into marriage and parenthood without thinking about what that all really meant. If you recall, my oldest son was born before we got married. But we were in love. But it was puppy love. We never really gave it a chance to grow into the kind of love a marriage should be based on BEFORE you say "I do". I don’t think it would have either, had it not been for my pregnancy. I'm not saying I wasn't deeply in love with him at some point during our marriage. You can't spend nearly half of your life with someone and have six kids with them and not feel love.

But we are so different. We see the world through completely different eyes. I always thought we complimented each other. What I lacked, he provided. What he lacked, I provided. I didn’t know that he was harboring feelings of resentment and discontent. Maybe if he’d told me sooner it would have been different. I’m inclined to think not though. We truly do bring out the worst in each other.

Facing these truths while trying to piece together the shattered bits of my life at the same time is exhausting. And even when I escape to Deb’s or just out for a drive I can’t stop the thoughts and fears from running ram shod in my head. So bear with me folks. I may cry. I may whine. But I’ll come out on top in the end if it’s the last thing I do.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cheer Bows, Dr. Phil and what the HECK happened... my life??????

WHEN did my life become a Dr. Phil episode?? Can you imagine the field day that man would have with me???? I LOVE the guy, I do. And I know that isn't a popular point of view and I risk scorn and ridicule by admitting it. But I can't help it. I love his no nonsense approach to everything. (I also think he and Judge Judy would make an awesome team!) I know it's just that no nonsense approach that annoys some people. My theory is, if something anyone says, Dr. Phil or otherwise, offends you, then it may just be that it hit too close to home and you're afraid of the truth. I'm just sayin'..

However, much as I love watching him knock someone down a few notches, I have no desire to be the one he's knocking down. He'd have me in tears inside of five minutes. Not that it takes much to get me blubbering like a two year old. You should see me watching an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I'm a mess!

But my life would make a good Dr. Phil episode. Hell I'd be a great series for the guy. Neurotic, soon to be single Mom of six, who is afraid of her own damn shadow (but hides it well) and cries over Hallmark commercials and old reruns of The Brady Bunch. Just to name a few of my issues. I've got a million of them.

My tactic, to maintain my tenacious hold on my sanity, as I struggle to make the school dream come true and find some kind of job (or start the whole daycare thing again) is to keep myself busy. Which doesn't sound all that hard. If you're normal. I... am not normal. I have the attention span of a toddler right now. Fifteen minutes, thirty tops, is about the extent of time I can stay focused on any one task or activity. Then the fidgeting starts. I need to get up and move.

I use my iPod a lot. I find crankin' the tunes and dancing around my room (I feel like an idiot admitting that) can soothe me enough that I can return to my task. For another fifteen or thirty minutes. I also maintain that this inane, juvenile behavior also burns calories. And God knows I can afford to lose some of those.

I'm also volunteering for anything and everything I can. CCD teacher, Homeroom Parent and making cheer bows for Sydney's squad. I've finalized my design, have found sources for all of my needed supplies and will start putting it all together as soon as I have everything in hand.

Of course now that I've done that I have the let's get creative bug. I have two new bottle cap colors, hot pink and lime green, as well as a new type of chain for bottle caps necklaces. So I'm going to be cranking out caps quite a bit in the next couple of weeks. I think I'm switching from the liquid resin to adhesive resin drops. It will be much less time consuming and WAY less mess!

So that's me in a nutshell right now. It's Friday night. I'm sitting in my room, several tasks half finished surrounding me and I'm wondering.. what the heck happened to my life????


Have you ever felt like a rubber band pulled too tight? So stressed and anxious that you’re afraid you really might self combust if you don’t find a way to relieve it all?

I’m there.

I have GOT to come up with something to do this weekend that will help me relax!! The problem is I can’t focus on any one thing more than fifteen minutes to a half an hour at a time. It took me nearly twelve hours to watch the season premiere of Criminal Minds in it’s entirety. I couldn’t stay focused on it.

Ideally I’d like to drive myself to some distant mountain retreat. Where it’s already cooler than it is here and the leaves are just beginning to change. All I’d need is a few books, some wine, my iPod and maybe my lap top. Oh and I suppose something non-alcoholic to drink before noon and maybe some food.

Poof.. And then I woke up. :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What if...

A long time ago I saw a movie. It has to have been at least 21 plus years. (Or less, I really can't say for sure. I'm old after all.) I don’t remember the name of it either. I don’t remember who was in it other than to tell you the lead actor had dark hair. At least I’m 99% sure he did.

The premise of the movie was that this man was given the opportunity to learn the answer to the question “what if..?”. What if he’d made this choice instead of that choice. What would the far reaching consequences have been? He was able to see his life as it could have been. He was also given the opportunity to choose the alternate life if he so wanted.

I know firsthand that a single act can have repercussions that no one could have predicted. And how it’s followed by a ripple effect that can last for years. So even the imaginary notion that you could go back and change something is a little tempting to daydream about.

I’ve been thinking “what if?” a lot lately. Something I generally try not to do. I can’t change the past so worrying about it is kind of pointless. I try not to have regrets or get angry with myself, the fates or God for things I‘ve done in the past or had happen to me in the past. Ok, so I was a little peeved at God not so long ago. But we’re good now. We chatted.

But lately, like I said, I can’t help but look at my life objectively and wonder what if I’d done this, instead of that. Where would I be now?

How does anyone know what the right choice really is. I mean really know. Ya’ can’t. Because ya’ just never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball.. or two… or three. Obviously we all try to make choices that won’t land us in jail or leave us dead, but I’m talking the life altering choices that we make in haste or in the heat of the moment. The one's that later make us think, "OMG! What was/am I doing??????"

I have absolutely no idea what point I’m trying to make that hasn’t been made by countless people before me. I guess I’m saying I hate uncertainty. And I hate that I hate uncertainty. Patience isn’t my strong suit. I wish it was. I wish I could “kiss it up to God” after exhausting all other options and be done with it. But I’m not wired like that. I have this need to know what’s coming next. Obviously, again we can’t know, with certainty what is coming next. But I need a clue at least. Maybe more than once just to assure me I’m not insignificant.

My self examination has lead me to a multitude of other conclusions about myself and even about others. I know the only person we can control is ourselves, I’ve always known this, I just didn’t want it to apply to me. I thought I could control others, or at least mold them into my image of what they should be. You’d think one lesson learned the hard way would make it that much easier to heed my own advice the next time. Yeah… right. Emotion plays too big a role in everything I do for me to ignore it's effect.

My biggest fault is I act before I think all too often. It’s one of the reasons I prefer written communication. It gives me a chance to read and re-read something before I click send (or mail it though I can‘t tell you the last time I actually hand wrote a letter). I have been known to pound out an e-mail in anger or excitement and hit send then regret something I’d said later. I am human. Despite the popular belief that I'm part vampire.

Again, I have no idea what the point I’m trying to make is… maybe that’s a sign I should get some sleep. Although… I’ve made quite a bit of headway in my bedroom and kind of want to kick out some more. I have tossed SOOOOOOO much crap.

Don’t ya’ love how I can switch gears with nothing more than a mental snap of my fingers?

Monday, September 13, 2010

What have I done... offend the Gods???

Seriously.. it's one damn road block after another. If one more person tells me to "stay positive" I think I'll punch them dead in the face.

I'm only human for God sakes. I can only get knocked down so many times before I start to lose some of the hope, enthusiasm and motivation.

As if it wasn't bad enough that my soon to be ex husband decides after I WASTED eighteen plus years of my life with him that he's "not happy". Blah, blah, blah... Oh no that wasn't enough crap for the Gods to bestow on me. They/he/she/it (and yeah I'm questioning the existence of any higher power right now) had to throw more and more crap on for good measure.

And really, PLEASE don't ANYONE give me that line of bullshit about how God never gives you any more than you can handle. God can kiss my ass... yes I DID just say that and if ya' don't like it.. well then you can kiss my ass too.. :)~

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Rainy day...

I actually like a rainy day now and then. And this one couldn't have arrived at a better time. I'm PMSing. I'd dub it moderate PMS. In other words... I'm not psychotic.... yet. :)~

I am, however, a touch punchy, feeling a wee bit evil and just a liiiiiiiitle fatigued. This means.. tread lightly around me today. The correct response to any query by me is "Yes dear/Michelle or bitch if ya' desire. So long as yes precedes it. Just sayin'... :)~

No really.. I'm not that full of myself. :)~ I AM PMSing though.

Have I mentioned that once a month I really curse the fact that I'm female? The rest of the month I enjoy being a girl. :)

Sydney is supposed to have a game today. But it's raining. I'm actually grateful for this. It means the girls won't cheer. I know.. I'm an awful Mommy. But really with PMS rearing it's ugly head it's best I steer clear of the home front as long as possible. He and I have reached a cautious cease fire. I don't want to chance tipping the scales. So as long as the girls don't cheer I don't have to rush home from Deb's. :) Yes I am being selfish. I'm allowed to once in a while. Someone I trust said so. :)

So barring a sudden parting of the clouds and bright sunshine breaking through my ass will be planted at Deb's kitchen table for a few more hours. :)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Girly weekend...

This morning Sydney and I loaded up the car and made the thirty-five minute drive to Deb's house. Slumber party. The one we'd had to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances over the summer. We'd told the girls that we would have it "after school started". THEY heard "the weekend after school starts". So here we are. It was easier to do it than deal with miserable tween and teen girls all weekend.

The girls are asleep now. Pete is on the couch watching TV. Deb and I are in the kitchen. Her on her lap top. Me on mine. We were talking about a VERY girly matter. One I'm not comfortable discussing in a public forum. The subject matter isn't important anyway. :)

During the course of the conversation we got a little giggly. As Deb and I do. I was working on a formula, for lack of a better word, and it was a little silly. Well... a lot silly. Our giggles turned to shrieks and before long neither one of us could breath and I was choking on pure air. My cheeks hurt now and my stomach muscles feel a little tight. Unfortunately my abs don't look the part. :)

We'd shriek for what felt like ten or fifteen minutes but in reality was probably less than five. No sooner would we calm down and catch our breath one of us would say something, a word or phrase and we'd start over. Or we'd just look at each other, one of us would smirk and we'd collapse into laughter again.

I think, in all, it took us at least fifteen minutes to catch our breath for good.

Of course, I just giggled writing this. Thinking about something I'd said and then Deb started to chuckle because she KNOWS exactly what I'm thinking. :)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

It's time...

I'm not quite ready to blog about school :).. For no other reason than that I'm too excited to get anything into something resembling coherent sentences.

However.. I thought it time to do something sort of symbolic. (Boys.. stop laughing. I AM a chick.)

It's time to retire my husband's rather unflattering nickname. He is no longer the buffoon. I'll call him Skip again.

Little side note here... when I was first approached by our mutual friend about meeting Skip my immediate thought was "what the hell would I want to go out with a guy named Skip for???" I'd also sworn off men after the very recent break up with my fiance. So I declined the meeting. The mutual friend made it happen anyway and the rest is history. Anywho.. the point of this rambling is this... I probably should have stuck with my first instincts here. Sorry Skip. :)

Now I have no doubt that at some point in the rest of our lives, because we have to be a unified front for our kids, he will piss me off. He's a guy. Need I say more. And I may revert to "the buffoon" when that happens.

He and I had the most productive conversation a few hours ago. It wasn't an easy conversation but it was productive and civilized. Not once did either of us raise our voices. That in and of itself is miraculous. We've ended almost every exchange with an argument and yelling in the last nine months.

I'm not going into the details because no offense folks but.. it's none of your business. I say that with affection. :) But we came to some agreements and clarified some things. And reached a compromise that we probably should have reached seventeen years ago.

So tonite I feel really good, really confident and just a little bit anxious. Which I personally think is a good thing. Keeps me on my toes. Never get complacent or so comfortable ya' start slacking.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Attitude is everything...

On some level I've always known that MY happiness and MY success is MY responsibility. Knowing that and doing something about it are two very different things.

I could sit here and blame others for the current state of my life. But the truth is, while some of the blame falls squarely on the buffoon's shoulders (despite his delusional belief that he's perfect), I have allowed myself to become stagnant and complacent. Somewhere along the way I lost my drive and motivation to any more than was absolutely necessary.

With a little soul searching and the help of some very special people I've come to realize that it's OK for me to live for myself as well as my children. It's MORE than OK. I can't be an effective parent to them if I'm not taking care of me as well. So I've started doing things for ME.

I have a new found positive outlook on my life and my future. There's one small downfall to this. I have little patience for people who bitch and complain about the state of their lives but do nothing do change things. I want to grab them, shake them and tell them "Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!" I feel no malice when I think this. I simply want people to open their eyes, stop whining about what they don't have and be grateful for what they DO have.

Divorce is hardly pleasant but it's not going to kill me. A very dear, old friend of mine recently lost her husband to brain cancer. Her strength and courage have inspired me in more ways than I can express. If she can live through that with dignity and strength I can certainly survive the end of my marriage.

I've stopped looking at it as the "end of the world" and instead have started to see it as a new beginning for me. Because it IS a new beginning. I may not have planned for this but I CAN and WILL survive it. I will do more than just survive it. I will come out a better, stronger, more successful person IN SPITE of it.

From now on I will be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be.