Thursday, September 23, 2010

What if...

A long time ago I saw a movie. It has to have been at least 21 plus years. (Or less, I really can't say for sure. I'm old after all.) I don’t remember the name of it either. I don’t remember who was in it other than to tell you the lead actor had dark hair. At least I’m 99% sure he did.

The premise of the movie was that this man was given the opportunity to learn the answer to the question “what if..?”. What if he’d made this choice instead of that choice. What would the far reaching consequences have been? He was able to see his life as it could have been. He was also given the opportunity to choose the alternate life if he so wanted.

I know firsthand that a single act can have repercussions that no one could have predicted. And how it’s followed by a ripple effect that can last for years. So even the imaginary notion that you could go back and change something is a little tempting to daydream about.

I’ve been thinking “what if?” a lot lately. Something I generally try not to do. I can’t change the past so worrying about it is kind of pointless. I try not to have regrets or get angry with myself, the fates or God for things I‘ve done in the past or had happen to me in the past. Ok, so I was a little peeved at God not so long ago. But we’re good now. We chatted.

But lately, like I said, I can’t help but look at my life objectively and wonder what if I’d done this, instead of that. Where would I be now?

How does anyone know what the right choice really is. I mean really know. Ya’ can’t. Because ya’ just never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball.. or two… or three. Obviously we all try to make choices that won’t land us in jail or leave us dead, but I’m talking the life altering choices that we make in haste or in the heat of the moment. The one's that later make us think, "OMG! What was/am I doing??????"

I have absolutely no idea what point I’m trying to make that hasn’t been made by countless people before me. I guess I’m saying I hate uncertainty. And I hate that I hate uncertainty. Patience isn’t my strong suit. I wish it was. I wish I could “kiss it up to God” after exhausting all other options and be done with it. But I’m not wired like that. I have this need to know what’s coming next. Obviously, again we can’t know, with certainty what is coming next. But I need a clue at least. Maybe more than once just to assure me I’m not insignificant.

My self examination has lead me to a multitude of other conclusions about myself and even about others. I know the only person we can control is ourselves, I’ve always known this, I just didn’t want it to apply to me. I thought I could control others, or at least mold them into my image of what they should be. You’d think one lesson learned the hard way would make it that much easier to heed my own advice the next time. Yeah… right. Emotion plays too big a role in everything I do for me to ignore it's effect.

My biggest fault is I act before I think all too often. It’s one of the reasons I prefer written communication. It gives me a chance to read and re-read something before I click send (or mail it though I can‘t tell you the last time I actually hand wrote a letter). I have been known to pound out an e-mail in anger or excitement and hit send then regret something I’d said later. I am human. Despite the popular belief that I'm part vampire.

Again, I have no idea what the point I’m trying to make is… maybe that’s a sign I should get some sleep. Although… I’ve made quite a bit of headway in my bedroom and kind of want to kick out some more. I have tossed SOOOOOOO much crap.

Don’t ya’ love how I can switch gears with nothing more than a mental snap of my fingers?

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