On some level I've always known that MY happiness and MY success is MY responsibility. Knowing that and doing something about it are two very different things.
I could sit here and blame others for the current state of my life. But the truth is, while some of the blame falls squarely on the buffoon's shoulders (despite his delusional belief that he's perfect), I have allowed myself to become stagnant and complacent. Somewhere along the way I lost my drive and motivation to any more than was absolutely necessary.
With a little soul searching and the help of some very special people I've come to realize that it's OK for me to live for myself as well as my children. It's MORE than OK. I can't be an effective parent to them if I'm not taking care of me as well. So I've started doing things for ME.
I have a new found positive outlook on my life and my future. There's one small downfall to this. I have little patience for people who bitch and complain about the state of their lives but do nothing do change things. I want to grab them, shake them and tell them "Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!" I feel no malice when I think this. I simply want people to open their eyes, stop whining about what they don't have and be grateful for what they DO have.
Divorce is hardly pleasant but it's not going to kill me. A very dear, old friend of mine recently lost her husband to brain cancer. Her strength and courage have inspired me in more ways than I can express. If she can live through that with dignity and strength I can certainly survive the end of my marriage.
I've stopped looking at it as the "end of the world" and instead have started to see it as a new beginning for me. Because it IS a new beginning. I may not have planned for this but I CAN and WILL survive it. I will do more than just survive it. I will come out a better, stronger, more successful person IN SPITE of it.
From now on I will be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be.