Wednesday, January 26, 2011

When will these moments stop??

While on the hunt for the USB cable for my camera I came across an old anniversary card from him. I should have tossed it aside and kept looking for the damn cord. But instead, because apparently I'm a glutton for punishment, I opened it.

It's a simple card. One of those musical ones. On the front it says, "You're my dream come true..." and inside, "Always have been, always will.." He wrote "Here's to another 15! Love You, Skip". The song it plays is called "You" by two guys I've never heard of.

Now I'm a puddle. Red eyes, nose running, my face wet with tears. I thought I was past all of this. Obviously I'm not.

Yeah, here's to another fifteen. My ass. From what he's saying now and has said over the past year he wasn't "in love" with me back then either.

I'm torn between saving the card, because maybe someday I'll be able to look at it with fondness, and tossing it into the garbage. It IS garbage as is the sentiment so cavalierly written inside of it.

So how come every time I start towards the trash can do I start crying?

Friday, January 21, 2011


This kid is going to be the death of me. I am convinced that he is bound and determined to drive me straight into a padded cell at the local insane asylum.

Every school morning since Kindergarten we have "the episodes". Before the child's eyes are even open he starts wailing that he doesn't want to go to school. EVERY morning. Not just some mornings. EVERY morning. His reasons range from "It's boring." to "It's too long." Mind you he used that excuse when he was in Kindergarten and his school day wasn't even three hours long.

I have been in constant contact with his teachers, school counselor and all of the other members of his IEP team. We have all brainstormed and tried various techniques to end the tirade of gloom every morning. Nothing works. So I've learned to ignore it. I don't react at all. Ok, so sometimes, when I've successfully ignored it for weeks on end I may get a little frustrated and say something like, "LOGAN!! You HAVE to go to school EVERY day and you HAVE to go to school EVERY day for the next eleven years so GET OVER IT!!!" Which is met with increased wailing and I end up feeling like a rotten mother with an intense urge to bang my head against a wall repeatedly.

Now, I should point out that the wailing stops the second I pull up to the school to drop the kids off each morning. It's as if a switch flips in him. And all of his teachers have told me he is perfectly fine in school. He socializes, laughs and has a grand old time with his classmates. AND at the end of the day he'll tell me he's had a great day. The next morning? The wailing starts all over again.

This morning we had a two hour delay due to the snow we were hit with overnight. So I was able to let Logan wake up on his own. He came downstairs, smiling and chipper, no doubt thinking we must have a snow day. I made him breakfast and then informed him of the two hour delay. He looked at me thoughtful for a few seconds then announced, "I still don't want to go to school." Hey, at least he wasn't wailing at me. Yet. I told him he had to go to school. And guess what? He started wailing. "Awwwwwwwwwwwww!!! I don't wanna go to schoooooooool!!!"

REALLY?? Seriously??? Come on!!! I mean in three years, THREE, I have NEVER responded to his wailing with a cheerful, "Well OK sweetheart! If you don't want to go to school you don't have too." NEVER. Those words have NEVER passed my lips in response to his wails. Does he REALLY think that if he keeps it up, ad nauseam, that I am suddenly going to cave into his demands??? Because I'm not. And he HAS to know that by now.

Oh dear God. Give me strength. He is now wailing that he doesn't want to be driven to school. He wants to walk. Which I occasionally allow (with his older sister and brother) WHEN IT'S NOT 28 DEGREES OUTSIDE WITH SNOW ON THE GROUND!!!

Someone shoot me now.