Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Insomnia sucks..

My iPod ear buds firmly are placed in my ears. There's some tune I currently find inspirational, playing at full volume. I did this is as a kid too. But with a HUGE set of ear phones compliments of my Dad and an old stereo with a "turntable". My parents both told me I'd go deaf one day.

They weren't without reason for concern. While I still have my hearing, calling it good hearing, is a bit of a stretch. I need TV's and iPods on at top volume just to hear the words. I consider this a small price to pay for my self created oblivion.

When I'm into my "music zone". The world disappears around me. It's me and my thoughts alone. (Ironically, ideas for writing often come to me at these moments.) I can tune everything else out.

Most of the time this gets me through the REALLY rough patches. I pace, sometimes dance, stand at the window and stare out dramatically. There's a little drama queen in every woman. Some will admit it without a care. Others deny it because there's such a stigmatism attached to it. Me? I don't care who knows. I can be a drama queen sometimes. Sue me.

It's a skill I picked up and honed as the only daughter of a man who personifies the Daddy's Little Girl kind of Dad. I had him wrapped by the time I was able to speak. And I used my penchant for the dramatic to keep him wrapped. A few bats of my eyelashes, some pouting, giving him the cold shoulder and the man was lifting the two week grounding he'd given me the week before and sending me on my way. What can I say? I was spoiled as a child.

I was sheltered as a child as well. Which probably accounts for my need to be alone on a regular basis. I'm not saying I didn't have friends. I did and I did things with them. But I was always kept on a short leash by my parents. Which oddly enough didn't stop me from doing some really stupid, DANGEORUS, things as a teenager. I think the sheer force of being as naive as I was is all that kept me safe from harm. Because I should be dead considering something of the things I got away with back then.

Live and learn.

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