I think I need a vacation. Warm (but not too warm), breezy, sunny.. Somewhere on a beach. A private island! Just me, my lap top, my books and some Icy Tea. I’d spend my days on the beach staring out to see pondering the meaning of life and my marriage. I’ll spend my nights blogging ad nauseam about it until my readers are so sick of me they want to gouge their eyes out so they don’t have to see what I come up with next.
No worries… your eyes are safe. I have a better chance of meeting God than I have of getting a vacation all by myself. I am, however, prone sleepless nights during which I pass the time by blogging. Sometimes more than once a night.
I think my husband is annoyed with me. I’ve been butt ass lazy all day. Guess what? I don’t care what he feels right now. I don’t say that with anger and cruelty. It is what it is. Today, at this moment, I’m not worried about what he thinks, feels or wants. I know what I need to do and when it needs to be done by and it’ll get done. On my timetable. Ok so maybe there is a little force behind my mood. But I’m dealing with it.
I did manage to do some last minute Easter shopping. Yay me. I took the long way because I enjoy driving. I prefer to do it at night when there’s less traffic. But an afternoon mini drive did me wonders. I cranked up the tunes, rolled the windows down and sang at the top of my lungs. I probably looked like an idiot to other drivers on the road. Oh well.. It’s not like I’ll ever meet any of them.
I know… I’m babbling.. But my marriage is falling apart!! And I have NO IDEA how to fix it. I don’t have the emotional energy to figure it out. So I’m practicing my ignoring technique. I mean what else can I do?? Talking isn’t going to happen. He simply won’t. IF I push the issue we end up fighting 99.9% of time. I’m tired of fighting. So I choose to step back and let him have at it. He needs to figure out what he wants and let me know. I can’t do it for him.
That’s hard for me to admit. I like to fix things… and people. I live with this delusional notion that I can change things and people’s lives in a meaningful way. The truth is it’s easier to fix other people’s problems because I’m not emotionally attached to them. I have no idea how to change my own life in a meaningful way so I take on pet projects. I don’t do it with malice or conceit. I do it because I honestly like the feeling I get from helping someone. I suppose on some level that’s a little bit selfish… I mean well.