Everyone keeps telling me I need sleep (and I love you all for it, I really do).. but here's the problem. Sleep means that at some point I have to wake up. Each time I do I have to remember all over again. Because there is still this small, tiny window; not more than a second or two long; when I don't remember that my marriage is over. Even now after all these months it still hurts just as much.
I no longer want my marriage to work. Not really. But that doesn't mean I haven't stopped mourning the end of it. It comes in phases. And yes, I will admit that my raging peri-menopausal hormones play a role in the timing. But I can go days without shedding a single tear. Then something.. a song, a smell, whatever.. something brings it all rushing back into my mind and there's this moment of stark, cold reality... "He doesn't love me anymore...." And the next wave comes.
My head knows this too shall pass. My heart doesn't quite believe it. Right now it feels like I will never be happy again. Again, I know this is stupid. I'm the only one responsible for my own happiness. I know that I will find a way to be happy again. It won't be the life I planned but it will be my life.
Now I just have to get there.
Yes, yes... I'll get a few hours of sleep first.... don't anyone have a cow... :)