Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Being honest with myself...

I blow a lot of smoke about not giving a rat's ass what anyone thinks. Here's the God's honest bare bones truth... deep down. I care. (to a point)

I try not to let that need to please everyone taint my every decision. I haven't always been successful. I'm a "fixer". I want to fix people and situations and the scary thing is, when I'm in the midst of some new pet project, I absolutely believe I CAN fix anything. God complex??

Every day something happens that chips away at the denial I have surrounded myself with. I admitted, to him, for the first time since this whole soap opera began that maybe, just maybe, I'm not in love with him anymore either. I think I shocked myself more than shocked him. Personally I think he was probably relieved. It let's him off the hook a little.

I never thought I'd reach this point. I didn't want to reach this point. But the heart knows what the heart knows. I will not chase him. I will not try to win him back. I am too old for such juvenile games.

I've been looking at this, for so long, through a cloud of emotion that I haven't been seeing clearly. I'm beginning too now. I don't like what I see.

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