Monday, May 3, 2010

It was inevitable..

I watch him get his coffe, gather up his keys and lap top case.  He does a quick look around and says, 'Well..  I'm off.' I nod or say 'ok' and he walks out the door.  I hear the door close and he's gone.  I'm left feeling empty and disconnected.  He used to kiss me good-bye.  He used to say 'love you'..  Now there is only silence.  The tears come. 
I knew they would.  I knew the brief reprieve the Gods gave me from my emotional turmoil would eventually have to come to an end.  I felt it starting Saturday night as our last guests said goodnight and went home.  The preparation for the Communion was consuming enough that I was able to push the uncertainty about my marriage aside for a little while. 
That distraction is gone and there is nothing pressing on the horizon that needs so much of my attention that I can forget again for awhile.  So I cry.  I sob.  And for a little while I'll feel better letting it all out.  I'll go about my day and try to think and behave positively.  Until the next time I feel the need to cry. 
I wish I could tell you that we've at least had A single discussion about "our marriage".  We haven't.  We've avoided it like the plague to be honest with you.  We're no closer to a resolution than we were a few weeks ago.  I have no idea if he even thinks about our marriage and it's issues.  Though I do have serious doubts that he's bursting into tears at random points during the day. 
I feel like I have absolutely no direction right now.  I can't see any further ahead than each day.  I don't want to think about the future.  Not right this second.  He's apparently had time to get used to all of this.  He told me he hasn't been happy in a long time.  Gee, thanks for sharing that bit of information with me.  Had I known, I may have been able to save us a lot of heartache and he could even be free and single by now.  (yes I AM being sarcastic)
I know..  aren't I a ray of sunshine on this rainy, damp Monday morning??  Didn't it rain last Monday as well??  Rainy Mondays should be outlawed.  A Monday is hard enough to adjust too.  Adding rain is my definition of cruel and unusual punishment. 
And on that note I'm off to begin my usual morning chaos


  1. OH Michelle reading this broke my heart. I have huge tears in my eyes. Your writing depicted your heart so well. :( I am so sorry. PRAYING!

  2. Thank you Kelly! It's much appreciated!