I watch him get his coffe, gather up his keys and lap top case. He does a quick look around and says, 'Well.. I'm off.' I nod or say 'ok' and he walks out the door. I hear the door close and he's gone. I'm left feeling empty and disconnected. He used to kiss me good-bye. He used to say 'love you'.. Now there is only silence. The tears come.
I knew they would. I knew the brief reprieve the Gods gave me from my emotional turmoil would eventually have to come to an end. I felt it starting Saturday night as our last guests said goodnight and went home. The preparation for the Communion was consuming enough that I was able to push the uncertainty about my marriage aside for a little while.
That distraction is gone and there is nothing pressing on the horizon that needs so much of my attention that I can forget again for awhile. So I cry. I sob. And for a little while I'll feel better letting it all out. I'll go about my day and try to think and behave positively. Until the next time I feel the need to cry.
I wish I could tell you that we've at least had A single discussion about "our marriage". We haven't. We've avoided it like the plague to be honest with you. We're no closer to a resolution than we were a few weeks ago. I have no idea if he even thinks about our marriage and it's issues. Though I do have serious doubts that he's bursting into tears at random points during the day.
I feel like I have absolutely no direction right now. I can't see any further ahead than each day. I don't want to think about the future. Not right this second. He's apparently had time to get used to all of this. He told me he hasn't been happy in a long time. Gee, thanks for sharing that bit of information with me. Had I known, I may have been able to save us a lot of heartache and he could even be free and single by now. (yes I AM being sarcastic)
I know.. aren't I a ray of sunshine on this rainy, damp Monday morning?? Didn't it rain last Monday as well?? Rainy Mondays should be outlawed. A Monday is hard enough to adjust too. Adding rain is my definition of cruel and unusual punishment.
And on that note I'm off to begin my usual morning chaos