My entire life I have been driven by my feelings. Logic and realism rarely come into play when I'm faced with choices. I do everything I do based on strong emotions. It's who I am. It has not always served me well but it has gotten me to where I am today. Albeit, somewhat damaged but still in one piece and still kickin'.
I seesaw back and forth between wanting this charade to end, and wanting to hang onto my marriage for dear life. I love him. I love our kids. They can drive me out of mind at times but they're still the reason I was born and the reason that I wake up everyday and start all over again. Despite the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed, curl into the fetal position and stay there forever.
There is so much I want and need to say to him but it never seems to come out the way I intend it unless I write it. But if I write it, my tone and emotion get lost and I rarely get any feedback from him. So I'm left wondering if he really read my words, skimmed them or opened the e-mail or letter, saw the novel and deleted/trashed it. With an exasperated sigh and a roll of his eyes, I'm sure. I know him so well.
I have moments where I think "We're going to be ok." and other moments where I look at him and I know, down to my very core, that I've already lost him and it's too late to go back. I can't shake the feeling that there is someone else for him. In some capacity. And I hate feeling like that. I hate this imagined woman. He has sworn to me on more than one occasion that there is no one else. But I don't know if I believe him. I want too... but my gut is screaming at me to open my eyes. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.
I am so tired. Tired of being in limbo, tired of crying, tired of not knowing where my life is heading... I'm just plain tired.