Ugh...

In just under twelve hours I'll be sitting next to my attorney at the first of what I expect will be a long line of hearings. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a nervous wreck. My stomach is in knots and I feel like there's a boulder resting on my chest.

It still feels so surreal. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think I'd be facing divorce and life as a single mother. I look at him sometimes and I wonder, "When did it all start to go wrong? How did I get here???"

I've accepted it's over. I accepted that months ago. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. I'm terrified. But I'm ready. Though I wish I could simply fast forward through the next few months and have this all be behind me. I feel like I've been in this state of agonizing limbo for far too long.

I smile and get through each day. But inside I'm a mess. My heart hurts. If I could I'd curl up in the fetal position and just sleep. Sleep has become my only escape. I can't concentrate on books, TV shows or movies long enough to comprehend them. I can read the same page of a book ten times and still have absolutely no idea what it said. I put a movie or a favorite show on but after a few minutes I'm no longer paying attention because I'm so lost in thought. I think I've seen the first ten minutes of this week's episode of NCIS:LA fifteen times and have yet to get to the end. Yesterday I folded the same shirt four times before I realized what I was doing.

I wonder where I'll be a year from now. Five years from now. Ten years from now. I worry about my kids and how they'll handle all of this. I worry about how I'll do it all alone. I know I can. I know with my love and support my children will be ok. I know that I am strong and capable. However, that doesn't stop me from being afraid of the unknown.

I need a favor of all of you. At 1:30 PM (EST) today say a little prayer for me. Please.

Oh yay...

Isn't going to the doctor supposed to lead to feeling better??? Yeah... no. Not when said doctor prescribes Albuterol four times daily via a nebulizer. Oh... my... GOD!! This crap makes me feel WORSE.

So now in addition to my entire body aching, fevers, chills, my head and ears so clogged I can't hear a darn thing and a harsh cough, I have the shakes, nausea, a racing heart and this permeating sense of anxiety that makes me want to climb the walls. Difficulty sleeping is yet another side effect. Faaaabulous. (insert eye roll) I already have enough trouble sleeping.

Oh and just for giggles? The antibiotic she prescribed, Zithromax? Tears up my stomach causing sharp cramping on top of the nausea. Thank GOD I only have to take that once a day.

Have I mentioned I hate being sick????? Blah!

Ya' know what else bugs me???

I want to start by saying that 99.9% of all of you have been PHENOMENAL with your kind words of support. And I am IMMENSELY grateful for them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I would not have gotten through this past year without all of you.

With that said...

There are some people who I REALLY thought were going to be there for me, to support me, to let me lean on them blah, blah, blah. People who adamantly insisted they "had my back". People who were so passionate in telling me this that I was sure they'd be one of those special people who would be there at 3 AM when I was sobbing uncontrollably and simply needed to know someone was out there. But nope.. no where to be found.

Look.. I know everyone has problems and mine are no more dire than anyone elses. I know we all have lives and responsibilities. But honestly.. in this age of modern doodads and gadgets, how freakin' hard is it to spend thirty seconds, maybe a minute, responding to a text or sending someone a quick e-mail to say, "Hey.. I'm thinking of you." or "How are you holding up??" Or hell! Even finding a few minutes to make a quick phone call. Ya'll remember those right?? Ya' dialed a number and actually SPOKE to someone. So they could hear your voice and you could hear theirs. Novel idea huh?

My closest and dearest friends, and even some of my on line pals, know that I can be found at any hour of the day. If you need me I'll spend hours chatting with you on line or on the phone. If it's physically possible I will drop everything I'm doing and be at your side as fast as my Mom mobile can get me there.

Now before anyone accuses me of being whiny and unreasonable I certainly do NOT expect anyone to come to my rescue every single time I come crying to them. I understand that sometimes it just isn't possible to do that. I myself have had to tell a loved one, "Listen, I'm the middle of something I can't stop right now but as soon as I can I will call/text/e-mail you." And then I DO JUST THAT. Because I gave them my word. And that means something to me.

I'm also not implying that these people are insensitive. I think some of them simply have their priorities skewed. They just don't think about the impact their actions (or in this case inactions) have on someone. Again, I'm not proclaiming to be the perfect friend who is there every, single, solitary time one of my friends calls on me. I've allowed myself to get so caught up in my own problems and pain that I sometimes forget others have their own battles to fight. Sometimes I realize I'm doing it without anyone pointing it out to me. Other times I need a little nudge in the right direction.

The older I get the more I realize that life really IS too short. And we never know what each new day will bring. In October of 2005 my Grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It had spread to her lungs and her liver. It was, in essence, a death sentence. She was eighty-two years old, with eighty-three close on the horizon. The doctor's told us she probably had only around six months, give or take a month.

We got three. And I thank God those three months happened to be during the holidays. Christmas 2005 will always be one of my favorite Christmas's. Though bitter sweet, we had Me Mom with us one last time.

On January 19th, 2006 she passed away. I was thirty-three years old and I'd always known losing her was an inevitability that I could not escape. Even so, losing her as quickly we did was a shock. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. She was my biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. I always knew she loved me completely and unconditionally. My children adored her. Particularly my oldest son Cody. As a toddler we lived with my Grandmother and my parents for several months. So Cody and "Me Mom" spend a lot of time together. They watched baseball and Disney movies together. They had lunch together every single day. They were best buds.

Her loss was hard on all of us. But especially Cody and I. I would give anything for even just one more hour with her. I was there the day she left this world. By her side, her hand in mine. She'd been in a coma for two or three days by then. And hadn't opened her eyes once. But that morning she did and I saw her look off into the corner of the room, seeing something none of the rest of us could. And she smiled. I knew at that moment that someone had come to take her home. Her Mother and Father, maybe her sisters and brothers, her husband.. whomever. There was someone there in that room with us. I felt it in the almost palpable silence of the moment. No one will ever be able to convince me differently.

She closed her eyes then, took one final breath and was gone. As gut wrenching as it was to say good-bye to her I would not trade that moment for anything. I found it as comforting as I did sad.

Who THE HELL does this man think he is????????

HE wanted a divorce. HE has gone out of his way to be the biggest d**k I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. HE has taken EVERYTHING he possibly could away from me. HE has threatened me, insulted me and made me feel like I am somehow less of a person. He then had the AUDACITY to get angry because I took the bull by the horns and got an attorney. I’m sorry (scratching head)… isn’t that what one generally does in the event of a divorce???? Seems like a completely logical and SMART move to me.

I don’t know the first thing about divorce laws in this state. I never thought I’d have any use for this knowledge so I didn’t seek it out. HE was threatening me again and again and again with taking my kids, kicking me out, telling me it would be in the best interest of the kids if *I* left and gave him the kids and the house. And he wouldn’t even ask me for child support. (said in a tone that clearly stated I should jump at such an offer) EXCUSE ME???? F**k you buddy. I’m NOT going anywhere.

The only way he is getting custody of my kids it to pry them from my cold, dead arms. HE can take his sorry, pathetic ass and LEAVE. In my NOT so humble opinion the only person who should make ANY sacrifices is HIM. He wanted out, so he can GET OUT.

He tries to play the wronged man. But he’s a lousy actor so it comes off as childish, sulkish and just plain idiotic. I FREELY admit that my own mistakes contributed to the failure of my marriage. However HE takes no blame. I think that is what pisses me off the most. His INANE notion that he has done no wrong and has just been the perfect husband and father all of these years…. Hmmmm…..

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Not even close!!!!! I could write a novel outlining his mistakes, faults and neurotic issues. From his compete inability to empathize with anyone to the emotional cripple that he is. At one time I believed that despite his inability to show empathy and emotion he DID feel these things. I was WRONG. He is incapable of feeling them. Ice runs through his veins.

I could sit here and tell you how he rarely put any effort or thought into holiday, birthday and anniversary gifts. I’m not talking about how much he spent. I’m talking about his complete inability after nearly TWENTY years to come up with a gift for me that I’d actually like. The only way I’d get something I really wanted would be to make him a detailed list, often with pictures for a visual aid. I’d even FIND said items for him (at the least expensive price) and tell him where to find them. This would annoy him so some years I’d refrain. Sure enough that would be the year that I’d get something I didn’t want or need. But I’d smile. Nod. Say thank you. All the while thinking to myself.. “Really??? After ALL these years you STILL don’t know what I like????”

But I always believed down to my very core that he loved me and he was just.. well… a guy. But there were other things. Things that should have given me a clue about who he really is. He never defended me. I have been insulted by his family, his friends, mutual friends… RIGHT in front of him and he did nothing. Often he’d agree and/or laugh with these people. At MY expense!!! Me? I’d get my panties in a bunch if anyone DARED to insult him. I could say whatever the hell I wanted too about him. But no one else could. And I had no problem rippin’ someone a new one if they said the wrong thing about my husband.

He’ll tell you he doesn’t like confrontation. I say he’s just a coward. Afraid to go up against someone for fear of pissing them off. But pissing me off; his wife, the mother of his six children, the woman who gave up everything to raise her family while HE climbed the corporate ladder; pissing me off and hurting me are perfectly acceptable. What a d**k!!!!

WHY did I stay??? WHY didn’t I walk away years ago?? Simple. Because I loved him. And I promised to love him through everything, the good and the bad. And I did so in the presence of God and our families. I took that seriously. I made my fair share of mistakes. I admit that. But so did he. He obviously did NOT take it seriously.

So I’m sick to death of his holier than thou, my shit doesn’t stink attitude. F**k you asshole. You can word it any way you want. The bottom line still is that YOU are walking out on this family. YES. THIS FAMILY. Not just me. But your kids as well. YOU are changing the dynamics of their entire world. YOU are 150% responsible for that. *I* would have stayed in counseling for YEARS if that’s what it had taken to fix our marriage. YOU gave up after three lousy sessions. YOU decided that YOU were more important than this FAMILY.

So take your lousy attitude and stick it where the sun don’t shine. You have NO right to be bitter. NONE.

Stepping out of my comfort zone...

I just sent an application, along with a cover letter, to yet another retail establishment. I didn't ask anyone to proof read or critique my cover letter. I didn't try to talk myself out of sending it. I'm notorious for second guessing myself and continually seeking validation from others. It drives me, and everyone who knows me, to the point of madness.

So tonite I ignored the ever present fear that I was somehow saying something stupid or making a colossal mistake and just went with my own gut on it. Of course, now that it's done I'm wigging a little. Wondering if I should have at least had Deb take a look at things before I sent it. And no, I didn't save a copy (though I did get an e-mail confirmation that the app was received). I was so focused on just sending it that I didn't stop to copy and paste it.

But what's done is done. It's not like I'm applying to be a rocket scientist or neonatal nurse. And my spelling and grammar were impeccable so I have that much. :)

Facing the storm...

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ~Marilyn Monroe

THIS is one of my all time favorite quotes. It’s me in a nutshell.

I freely admit I am not without fault. I own up to my faults and I really do try, on a daily basis, to control and overcome those faults. I’m not always successful. I know that the dissolution of my marriage is as much my fault as it is his. He doesn’t admit this but that really doesn’t matter in the end. I can’t control what he does and thinks. No more than he can control my thoughts and actions.

Oddly, the events of the last few days, and today most of all, have left me with a calm I haven’t had in a very long time. Don’t get me wrong. I know the next several months, or more, will be rough in ways I can’t even fathom right now. But I feel up to the challenge and ready to face them.

I’ve found some inner peace I didn’t think I had. The old me would be a puddle right now. Terrified of the future. I’d be in my room crying and railing against God. The new me is busy brainstorming and planning her future. There’s a confidence in me that I’d buried for so long I wasn’t sure I could bring it back. But I have. And it will continue to grow each day. And each night I pray to God. For personal strength and peace, and my loved ones.

I’m not an idiot. I’m not perfect but I am not some weak chick who can’t do anything without a man. This is the way he sees me. He being the stbx (soon to be ex). That’s his opinion and he’s entitled too it. I’M entitled to make him eat his words. :)

Christmas

For as long as I can remember Christmas has been my all time favorite time of year. As a child I would lay awake for hours on Christmas Eve hoping to hear the distinctive sound of sleigh bells and reindeer hooves on the roof. I’d finally succumb to sleep only to wake long before dawn rarin’ to race down the steps and see what Santa had brought.

But even as a child it was about more than the presents. It was the sights, the sounds, the smells. It was time with family and big holiday gatherings. I loved every second of it. Including the chaos of Christmas shopping.

As a parent I have always gone out of my way to make Christmas as magic as possible for my children. At the first hint of a chill in the air my mind is racing with decorating, baking, gift buying and I’m humming Christmas carols. I don’t care what I get for Christmas. The looks on my kids’ faces Christmas morning is the best present I could ever receive.

This year, try as I might, I can’t find that feeling. This year I want to ignore the impending holidays for as long as possible. I have no Christmas spirit. I avoid looking at Christmas displays and decorations in stores. I don’t want to hear Christmas carols or see Christmas advertisements. I don’t even want to think about Christmas in the abstract. When I do, when some commercial I didn’t mute quite fast enough reminds me of it, my eyes well up with tears because I know this is it. Our last Christmas as a “whole” family.

I hate him for that more than anything else. I can forgive him not loving me enough to be married to me. I can even forgive his vile, cruel, heartless behavior. But I cannot, and will not, forgive him for destroying my family as I know it and thereby changing the dynamics of every holiday from here on out.

I don’t want his and her holidays. I WANTED to save my marriage. HE didn’t. I didn’t want a divorce. HE did. HE should suffer. HE should have to make all of the sacrifices. HE should be the one who has to give things up. NOT me.

But I have no choice. In the name of fairness I have to share my kids with him on holidays. In my ever so humble opinion there is nothing fair about it.