In just under twelve hours I'll be sitting next to my attorney at the first of what I expect will be a long line of hearings. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a nervous wreck. My stomach is in knots and I feel like there's a boulder resting on my chest.
It still feels so surreal. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think I'd be facing divorce and life as a single mother. I look at him sometimes and I wonder, "When did it all start to go wrong? How did I get here???"
I've accepted it's over. I accepted that months ago. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. I'm terrified. But I'm ready. Though I wish I could simply fast forward through the next few months and have this all be behind me. I feel like I've been in this state of agonizing limbo for far too long.
I smile and get through each day. But inside I'm a mess. My heart hurts. If I could I'd curl up in the fetal position and just sleep. Sleep has become my only escape. I can't concentrate on books, TV shows or movies long enough to comprehend them. I can read the same page of a book ten times and still have absolutely no idea what it said. I put a movie or a favorite show on but after a few minutes I'm no longer paying attention because I'm so lost in thought. I think I've seen the first ten minutes of this week's episode of NCIS:LA fifteen times and have yet to get to the end. Yesterday I folded the same shirt four times before I realized what I was doing.
I wonder where I'll be a year from now. Five years from now. Ten years from now. I worry about my kids and how they'll handle all of this. I worry about how I'll do it all alone. I know I can. I know with my love and support my children will be ok. I know that I am strong and capable. However, that doesn't stop me from being afraid of the unknown.
I need a favor of all of you. At 1:30 PM (EST) today say a little prayer for me. Please.