Saturday, Feb 5th, 2011 -- You may have thought that you would be ready for change no matter what happens, but you grow more contemplative as the day wears on. You know that you should be thankful for certain aspects of your life, yet you also are too aware of those things that still need improvement. Nevertheless, don't focus on what's wrong; concentrate on all the little things that you could do to continue your personal growth.
I know these things are written in general terms that can apply to just about anyone's life. And that they are meant for pure entertainment. However, I am often struck at how spot on they are for me. It's a little eerie to be honest with you. And today's was no different.
I really believed, for the longest time, that I was ready for the upcoming changes in my life. I've spent the better part of the last year convincing myself that I really do want a divorce. The truth is... I don't. I want my life back. I want to stop feeling like everything is crumbling around me.
I want to stop crying at the slightest provocation. Some stupid commercial comes on and I find myself sobbing. I come across some memento and I'm sniffling and reaching for the tissues. I've stopped listening to music all together. Including my beloved Kenny Chesney. Especially him. Because just about every one of his songs has some meaning for me and I'm a puddle of tears before the first chorus. So I drive in silence and my iPod sits unused in my lap top bag.
I know on a logical level that my marriage is over. Too many things have been said and done for us to turn back now. It would take years for either of us to trust the other again if that were even possible. It would take endless strength to look past the things that we've both done to hurt one another in the last year. Yes, I'm as guilty as he is. And though most of the things I said and did were in retaliation for things he said and did it doesn't change the fact that they happened. Nor does that make me blameless.
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. That I didn't miss "us".
People tell me "You'll find someone again someday." And that's possible but whoever that person may be they're going to have one tough customer on their hands. I have completely lost the ability to trust. Something I never was really good at in the first place. But now? Now I see all men as the enemy. None of them is worthy of my trust or love. I know, logically, that's the pain talking. But I've been burned and I've been burned bad. So, at the moment, the idea of becoming the old lady who lives alone with a million cats and terrorizes the neighborhood kids is more than just a little appealing.
The very idea of getting myself involved with a man again terrifies me.