How are things....

It's marriage. It's up, it's down. We're in a holding pattern right now. We're not about to kill one another but we're not exactly thrilled with the others attitude and behavior. We'll get over it. Eventually. If the past is any indication of the future. It's proven to be so in the past. And, for now, I'm holding onto the hope it will be again.

I have to learn to sit back and take it one day at a time. That's not an easy feat for me. I don't like the unknown. It makes me edgy. I like knowing there's going to be a soft place to land within my home and my husband's arms. The thought of life without that is very scary to me.

I don't want to push him into choices and decisions. So I'm trying, at times faltering, to let him be with his thoughts and feelings. I can't make him do anything. I have no control over his actions. I do, however, have control over mine.

So I'm focusing on me and my needs and wants. As well as working on changing those things that need changing for the good of my whole family. I'm figuring out that if we don't take care of ourselves we're no good to anyone else.

Says the woman who is wide awake at 1:38 AM with no intentions of going to sleep tonite... baby steps... slow, sure baby steps.

A development...

I've had a few "reality checks" in the last week or so. Everyone has problems. Everyone thinks their problems are more difficult then the next guy's. We're all wrong. MOST problems are only as difficult as they are perceived to be. Then there are true tragedies. The death of a child, a terminal illness in a loved one. These are real tragedies. And my problems pale in comparison.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if my marriage is savable. I hope and pray with all my heart that it is. Because when it comes right down to it I love my husband. I love my family. I want to be able to say in seven years, "I've been married twenty-five years.". I am not going to just lay down and give up without a fight.

So I'm fighting. Starting with counseling and a few "stipulations". He agreed to all but one small stipulation. I'm trying hard not to make too big of a deal out of that one. It bothers me. More than I care to admit. But I'm not so unreasonable that I can't compromise. I do however reserve the right to revisit the matter later.

I know there are things in myself I need to change. I've never been one to claim I was perfect (close to it but.. I'm KIDDING!!!! Sheesh!). I have my faults and God knows there's plenty of them. And I'm more than willing to work on them. I don't know if counseling will help our marriage. But I hope it will help me.

I'm going to try not to force so many issues. I'm going to try and be laid back and just see where this all goes.. (STOP laughing Skip!) It's going to take effort. But I'm going to try. And the rest?? I'm kissing up to God.

Just a lil' update...

First of all I want to thank everyone for the personal messages and well wishes.  They were very much appreciated.  I tried to answer each one individually but I may have missed a few here and there.  So if I missed you I apologize.  It wasn't intentional.. 

I have put my foot down and insisted we go to a marriage counselor. I've already called one and am waiting on a call back.  I want to be able to say that yes I DID try everything in my power to save my marriage.   I refuse to accept that I have to walk away from nearly eighteen years (together) without a fight. 

He's agreed, grudgingly, to the counseling.  I don't know that it'll do any good.  To be honest, I'm inclined to believe that it won't.  At least not to the marriage.  But maybe it will do ME some good.  And if it ends up being beneficial to him as well, all the better.  But I'm not really worried about him right now.  I need to think about me for a little while.

My heart is still breaking.  I'm struggling minute by minute to keep the breakdowns at bay.  But I'm not denying myself a good old fashioned cry now and then.  Some consider tears weak.  I don't.

"There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness but of power.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love." 

It's over...

What little hope I was clinging to is gone.  I've been told that he's no longer in love with me, hates coming home to me and doesn't enjoy spending with me.  I'm heartbroken.  And numb.

I'm done blogging for now.  I have nothing else to say right now and any more blogs would be redundant.   My world has been turned completely upside down.

I'm tired....

My entire life I have been driven by my feelings.  Logic and realism rarely come into play when I'm faced with choices.  I do everything I do based on strong emotions.  It's who I am.  It has not always served me well but it has gotten me to where I am today.  Albeit, somewhat damaged but still in one piece and still kickin'. 

 

I seesaw back and forth between wanting this charade to end, and wanting to hang onto my marriage for dear life.  I love him.  I love our kids.  They can drive me out of mind at times but they're still the reason I was born and the reason that I wake up everyday and start all over again.  Despite the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed, curl into the fetal position and stay there forever. 

 

There is so much I want and need to say to him but it never seems to come out the way I intend it unless I write it.  But if I write it, my tone and emotion get lost and I rarely get any feedback from him.  So I'm left wondering if he really read my words, skimmed them or opened the e-mail or letter, saw the novel and deleted/trashed it.  With an exasperated sigh and a roll of his eyes, I'm sure.  I know him so well. 

 

I have moments where I think "We're going to be ok." and other moments where I look at him and I know, down to my very core, that I've already lost him and it's too late to go back.  I can't shake the feeling that there is someone else for him.  In some capacity.  And I hate feeling like that.  I hate this imagined woman.  He has sworn to me on more than one occasion that there is no one else.  But I don't know if I believe him.  I want too...  but my gut is screaming at me to open my eyes.  I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be looking for. 

 

I am so tired.  Tired of being in limbo, tired of crying, tired of not knowing where my life is heading...  I'm just plain tired. 

It was inevitable..

I watch him get his coffe, gather up his keys and lap top case.  He does a quick look around and says, 'Well..  I'm off.' I nod or say 'ok' and he walks out the door.  I hear the door close and he's gone.  I'm left feeling empty and disconnected.  He used to kiss me good-bye.  He used to say 'love you'..  Now there is only silence.  The tears come. 

 

I knew they would.  I knew the brief reprieve the Gods gave me from my emotional turmoil would eventually have to come to an end.  I felt it starting Saturday night as our last guests said goodnight and went home.  The preparation for the Communion was consuming enough that I was able to push the uncertainty about my marriage aside for a little while. 

 

That distraction is gone and there is nothing pressing on the horizon that needs so much of my attention that I can forget again for awhile.  So I cry.  I sob.  And for a little while I'll feel better letting it all out.  I'll go about my day and try to think and behave positively.  Until the next time I feel the need to cry. 

 

I wish I could tell you that we've at least had A single discussion about "our marriage".  We haven't.  We've avoided it like the plague to be honest with you.  We're no closer to a resolution than we were a few weeks ago.  I have no idea if he even thinks about our marriage and it's issues.  Though I do have serious doubts that he's bursting into tears at random points during the day. 

 

I feel like I have absolutely no direction right now.  I can't see any further ahead than each day.  I don't want to think about the future.  Not right this second.  He's apparently had time to get used to all of this.  He told me he hasn't been happy in a long time.  Gee, thanks for sharing that bit of information with me.  Had I known, I may have been able to save us a lot of heartache and he could even be free and single by now.  (yes I AM being sarcastic)

 

I know..  aren't I a ray of sunshine on this rainy, damp Monday morning??  Didn't it rain last Monday as well??  Rainy Mondays should be outlawed.  A Monday is hard enough to adjust too.  Adding rain is my definition of cruel and unusual punishment. 

 

And on that note I'm off to begin my usual morning chaos

Un-frickin-believable!!!

Seriously??  Today???  IT arrives today???? 

 

I repeat..  What DID I do to offend the Gods?? 

 

Mother Nature couldn't have waited a mere twenty-four hours before handing over my monthly blessing????? 

 

And my skirt for church is WHITE!!!!! 

 

Someone shoot me now...