I'm tired....

My entire life I have been driven by my feelings.  Logic and realism rarely come into play when I'm faced with choices.  I do everything I do based on strong emotions.  It's who I am.  It has not always served me well but it has gotten me to where I am today.  Albeit, somewhat damaged but still in one piece and still kickin'. 

 

I seesaw back and forth between wanting this charade to end, and wanting to hang onto my marriage for dear life.  I love him.  I love our kids.  They can drive me out of mind at times but they're still the reason I was born and the reason that I wake up everyday and start all over again.  Despite the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed, curl into the fetal position and stay there forever. 

 

There is so much I want and need to say to him but it never seems to come out the way I intend it unless I write it.  But if I write it, my tone and emotion get lost and I rarely get any feedback from him.  So I'm left wondering if he really read my words, skimmed them or opened the e-mail or letter, saw the novel and deleted/trashed it.  With an exasperated sigh and a roll of his eyes, I'm sure.  I know him so well. 

 

I have moments where I think "We're going to be ok." and other moments where I look at him and I know, down to my very core, that I've already lost him and it's too late to go back.  I can't shake the feeling that there is someone else for him.  In some capacity.  And I hate feeling like that.  I hate this imagined woman.  He has sworn to me on more than one occasion that there is no one else.  But I don't know if I believe him.  I want too...  but my gut is screaming at me to open my eyes.  I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be looking for. 

 

I am so tired.  Tired of being in limbo, tired of crying, tired of not knowing where my life is heading...  I'm just plain tired.