It was inevitable..

I watch him get his coffe, gather up his keys and lap top case.  He does a quick look around and says, 'Well..  I'm off.' I nod or say 'ok' and he walks out the door.  I hear the door close and he's gone.  I'm left feeling empty and disconnected.  He used to kiss me good-bye.  He used to say 'love you'..  Now there is only silence.  The tears come. 

 

I knew they would.  I knew the brief reprieve the Gods gave me from my emotional turmoil would eventually have to come to an end.  I felt it starting Saturday night as our last guests said goodnight and went home.  The preparation for the Communion was consuming enough that I was able to push the uncertainty about my marriage aside for a little while. 

 

That distraction is gone and there is nothing pressing on the horizon that needs so much of my attention that I can forget again for awhile.  So I cry.  I sob.  And for a little while I'll feel better letting it all out.  I'll go about my day and try to think and behave positively.  Until the next time I feel the need to cry. 

 

I wish I could tell you that we've at least had A single discussion about "our marriage".  We haven't.  We've avoided it like the plague to be honest with you.  We're no closer to a resolution than we were a few weeks ago.  I have no idea if he even thinks about our marriage and it's issues.  Though I do have serious doubts that he's bursting into tears at random points during the day. 

 

I feel like I have absolutely no direction right now.  I can't see any further ahead than each day.  I don't want to think about the future.  Not right this second.  He's apparently had time to get used to all of this.  He told me he hasn't been happy in a long time.  Gee, thanks for sharing that bit of information with me.  Had I known, I may have been able to save us a lot of heartache and he could even be free and single by now.  (yes I AM being sarcastic)

 

I know..  aren't I a ray of sunshine on this rainy, damp Monday morning??  Didn't it rain last Monday as well??  Rainy Mondays should be outlawed.  A Monday is hard enough to adjust too.  Adding rain is my definition of cruel and unusual punishment. 

 

And on that note I'm off to begin my usual morning chaos