Thank you...

I know I said I wasn't going to write anymore but there has been such an outpouring of love and support I simply had to use this as a forum to say thank you. ALL of your words of encouragement and your suggestions have been taken to heart. By me at least. I've bought a book and a DVD suggested by a very dear friend whose opinion I value. I can't say he'll watch or read with me. To be honest I doubt he will. At least not right now

I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if my marriage is savable. But I refuse to give up without trying EVERYTHING first. I want to be able to say to myself and my children that I tried, with everything I have in me, to make my marriage work.

So thank you, all of you, from the bottom of my heart.

Several of you have asked me not to leave FB. I don't know what I'm going to do about it right now. At the very least I'll be scarce for some time. But I promise I won't make any decisions hastily.

Ok I lied...

THIS will be my last blog. At least for a very long while....

This was written by my husband. Four years ago. Just days after he found out... THIS is the ONE time in our entire marriage where he expressed himself emotionally. The man he is now? I don't know who he is. He's cold and cruel. He has NO compassion for anyone. Death doesn't even move him.

Anyway... HE wrote this.. in October of 2006.

From Husband to Wife
Current mood:Mixed
Category: Romance and Relationships

For those of you who don't know me I am Skip, husband of Michelle, but I believe that you all know that. That being said this blog is for the LOVE of my life, and to let the world know how I feel.

I just wanted the world to know how much I love my wife, but mainly I wanted her to know!!!! Everyone knows that we have had our ups and downs, things have been as bad as they have been good, but through all of it we are still together and I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF HER!!!!!!

I know I am not the best at showing my feelings and I am not the most verbal person, but I swear from this day forward I will let her and the WORLD know that SHE is the most important person in the world to me!!!!!!!!!

Why do I Love her so much you ask? Well that's one of the reasons I am here, although I can only touch on this subject I will do my best. (Michelle is the writer, this is my 1st attempt)

1st and foremost she is my backbone, she supports me both physically and emotionally, she has always been there for me through thick and thin, good and bad.

She is the mother of my children, she cares for them, carves their little lives turning them into great kids! She's not just a stay at home mom, she makes things work!!!!!! She keeps us all in line with what needs to be done, WE COULD NEVER SURVIVE WITHOUT HER!!!

She is one of the most BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY women that I have EVER known!

There are so many things going thru my mind that I can't keep up with it. I just can't say enough, like I said before she is the writer (and one of the best I've seen, I think she should do it professionally, you should all encourage her to do so).

We have been kicked off the horse once again but we have gotten back on the saddle, no horse is going to break us apart!!!!!

On a side note to my family, I want all of you to know that Michelle is my wife and will always be, I LOVE HER AND ALWAYS WILL, and if you all want to be a part of this family unit you better start stepping it up, there is too much bullshit going on in this family and it's not going to effect my family anymore! Godparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc… if you want to know this family start making some effort, visit and acknowledge that we exist or no one will have the pleasure of knowing this family, a caring family that is there for those who deserve it.

Sorry that I went off on that tirade, but I have let that one go on way too long and its stopping now!!!

Anyway... if you haven't figured it out yet, I love my wife with all my heart and always will! But this is meant more for her than you, sorry she is more important.



Michelle I LOVE YOU!

Your husband, your lover and most of all your soul mate. Skip

(grammar and spelling corrected by Michelle)

I prayed all week....

That this morning would come and I'd wake up to him telling me it was all a big joke that he loved me and had made big plans for our anniversary. Apparently that isn't part of God's plan. Because this morning dawned and he couldn't even muster the emotion up to mutter "Happy Anniversary" in my general direction let alone acknowledge the day with a gift or card.

I can say with absolute certainty that I now know what a broken heart feels like. It's.... I can't even come up with a word adequate enough to describe how much it hurts.

And I just have one question.... when will it stop?

Children....

I seriously wonder about my oldest child at times. He's seventeen and a half. He'll be a senior in high school in the fall. And he has absolutely NO ambition beyond eating, sleeping and hangin' with his friends and girlfriend. The boy worries me.

Yesterday afternoon he and some friends played basketball. My son, being the brilliant genius he is, decided to play basketball barefoot. He ended up with two large blisters on the bottoms of his feet. Now instead of waiting until he got home to consult me before trying to remedy the situation himself he listened to his friend who told him to pop and peel the skin from the blisters. That this would 'help'. Can you say dumber than dirt??

So he spent last night hobbling around on his heels. A sight I find highly amusing and can't help but collapse into giggles watching him. I know.. I am sick. I get it from my mother. While I was growing up if my poor father stubbed his toe on the leg of a table or the foot of the bed resulting in him hopping around on one foot cussing under his breath, my mother and I would desperately try to hide the shrieks of laughter struggling to escape our lips. My Dad would get SO mad at us! He knew we were laughing at him. He'd yell at us and we'd laugh all the harder. I told you.. we're sick! LOL!

So this morning before sending my poor, occasionally senseless child, off to school I had to slather Neosporin on and bandage his feet so he could walk with slightly less pain. I managed to do this without laughing at him like a hyena.

What if...

I'm sitting here taking a mental trip down memory lane. Wondering if I'd done this instead of that or that instead of this just where my life might be right now. We don't realize it at the time but the smallest choice, the simplest decision, can have a lasting and profound impact on our lives.

What if I'd made just a little more of an effort in school? Had I done that I may have gone onto a four year college immediately after high school instead of community college two years later. Two years of working full time. Not that I don't have fond memories of that job and that time period.

And then what if, instead, during THAT time frame, when I was working at good ol' Clover in Center Square, I'd made some choice differently. I can think of one in particular that haunts me. And I often wonder where I'd be today if I'd chosen differently.

I've always said that regret is a useless emotion. A pound of it won't make an ounce of difference. With that said there ARE a few things in my life that I regret. A few things that, given the opportunity, I might just go back and do differently. But then I think... if I did. It would change the present. My marriage issues aside I have six beautiful children as a result of this marriage. For that I will always be grateful and will always, in some way, love their father. No matter how this journey we're on ends up.

So that brings me back to regret being a useless emotion. It doesn't stop me, however, from wondering every so often. What if...

More books...

I'm reading again. Something I haven't taken pleasure in for some time. I just finished Sarah's Key by Tatiana De Rosnay. Excellent book. As a general rule I don't enjoy fiction or non-fiction that portrays the Holocaust. I find that the inhumanity and deprivation for human life exhibited in that dark period of history, while it should never be forgotten, is not something I need to hear or read about in detail. But this book grabbed me from the very first chapter. I had a hard time putting it down and finished it in record time even for me.

I'm now reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. A personal memoir of her childhood that I find fascinating, if not just a little disturbing. I'm at the midway point and it has me completely hooked.

Highly recommend both of these books!

Cherishing what you have...

I've always been a sensitive person. My earliest memories of school are of feeling shy and out of place and not fitting in. I wasn't athletic. I wasn't outgoing. My preferred activities were solitary or something that could be done within a small circle of friends. Reading, writing, listening to music, watching TV or some sort of craft.

I get my sensitivity from my father. That man will cry at the drop of a pin. He passed this trait along to me. I cry over commercials. Have you ever seen the Hallmark commercial with the husband and wife? Wife walks in, husband is hanging up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "The adoption agency needs us to come down there again.". The wife says, "Again. We've already filled out so much paperwork." or something to that effect. The husband hands his wife a card and it's something about mothers. She looks up at him and he says "It's a boy." with tears in his eyes. I'm a puddle by then. We're talking full blown tears, sniffling and at times sobbing (depending on the time of the month). I'll refrain from telling you how I cry over the Father of the Year episode of the Brady Bunch. Which I've probably seen hundreds of times in my life.

It's ridiculous really, but it's who I am. My husband and my kids love to tease me about my ability to cry with no effort whatsoever and with little control over it. Nice, huh? Yeah they can be a bunch of jerks sometimes but they're mine and I love them. At least I love my kids. My husband? Hmph. Right about now he's right there at the top of my shit list. I suppose I still love him. Though he is pushing his luck. (Which may be his intention for all I know.)

I love the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Now granted part of that love is I have a thing for Ty Pennington. However, I also love the concept of the show. Seeing these families living with things I couldn't dream of living through reminds me of how much I DO have to be thankful for. I'm a blubbering mess while watching it though. Tissues at the ready. Some episodes truly touch me. After those shows I have an intense need to look in on my children. And hold them. To remind myself that I am blessed. That it COULD be worse.