Late night babble...

I have all of these fabulous ideas when I’m driving. I almost always have country music cranked and the windows down at least a little. You'd think I wouldn't be able to think with all that noise and wind. But I get some of my best (if I do say so myself) ideas while driving.

Here’s the problem..

By the time I get home and attempt to get those ideas into a Word document I have nothing.. Nada.. zip… zilch. NOTHING. I don’t get it. I sit and stare at the computer screen and the keyboard. Maybe randomly tapping keys and backspacing repeatedly.

I’ve thought of carrying some sort of recording device. But I wouldn’t be able to hear myself over the music. Post it notes?? Oh yeah. Ask the man I married how that would turn out. Me frantically trying to find a pen while hittin’ eighty on 422.… not a good idea.

Someone once told me the key to good writing was to ‘write what you know‘. Or… maybe I read it somewhere. I dunno.. But it stuck with me. So.. What do I know?

I know how to change a diaper in under a minute, maybe a minute and a half if it is a particularly vile one. Boy I’m sure everyone is just chompin’ at the bit to read about that.

I know how to read Sam I Am WELL and can do it dozens of times before becoming tongue tied. Interesting but I doubt I can come up with more than a paragraph or two to explain it.

I can do just about any paper craft. With an emphasis on scrapbooking. But those things have been written about ad nauseam.

Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, bottlefeeding, to circ or not to circ, blah, blah, blah… I’ve participated in many on line message boards devoted to these subjects and to be honest with you they all bore me. Maybe because none of it applies to me in the present moment.

I know that my daughter and I are going to see my Grandmother today. She’ll be ninety in October. I’m trying to make a more conscious effort to spend time with her. I lost my other Grandmother in January of 2006 to pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed in October of 05’. So we have a last set of holidays with her before she was gone.

I want to spend as much time as I can with the only grandparent I have left. She’s going to attempt to teach Sydney and I how to knit. Good thing she is a patient woman. She tried with me once before and pronounced me ‘hopeless’ (she really does love me). That was many years ago so we thought we’d give it one more shot. We think Sydney will pick up more quickly than I will.

I'm sure if I spend some time thinking about it I'll come up with more "things I know". Maybe I'll take a drive...

Don't ask, don't tell...

It's been a little while since I've blogged. There really isn't a whole lot to tell. He does his thing. I do mine. I don't ask him what he's doing, he doesn't ask me what I'm doing.

I'm trying to surround myself with people who I know care and/or just "get it". I've taken my therapeutic writing to a more private venue.

If I'm being honest with myself, my marriage as I knew it, is over. We've reached the point of no return. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I'm trying to take my own advice and just take things one day at a time. I do what needs to be done. I do things I want to do. I try not to think too much beyond the next twenty-four hours. I feel like I'm repeating myself. I've said this all before.

The next step is to find something I enjoy doing and make money doing it. I've been told this really is an easy thing to do. I'm about to find out. In the meantime, I need to at the very least find a part time job. I keep telling myself that once the kids are back in school I'll be able to focus on that. Yes, I am procrastinating and avoiding. Cut me some slack! This is all new territory for me. I am a creature of habit. The surest way to wig me out is too change the dynamics on me.

My forty-first birthday is just around the corner. At one time I thought that was the most ominous thing I was facing. How wrong I was. I don't feel forty-one. Some days I feel as if ninety is looming on the horizon. Some days I don't feel a day over twenty-five. Although the body doesn't fit that image. Hey! One can pretend!

I have no idea what the hell I'm saying right now. I have a wicked case of writer's block... (I do not consider the above anywhere near my best work...)

Time to start the day...

Clarification...

Despite my own gut feelings I have no concrete proof that the buffoon is cheating on me. I should probably refrain from accusing him of such in a public forum but... well to he honest with you I don't give a rat's tushie what he thinks or feels right now. He's certainly made it quite clear that HE doesn't give a damn what I'm thinking or feeling so... what's good for the goose is good for the gander:o)

On a more serious note...

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

Counseling?? I'll be honest with you, despite my belief that counseling CAN help some people in some situations, this woman seems a little off the wall. I know, I know... three sessions is hardly enough to make a difference nor for me to get a true feel for someone but.. I dunno... he's so adamant that he's only doing this to appease (now isn't that special?) me that I have to wonder why I'm wasting fifty bucks and an hour or more every week.

A job. Can I just tell you how the thought of working in any retail establishment makes me want to hurl. But where the hell else am I going to find a job with my limited job skills? I've spent eighteen years being chief bottle washer and diaper changer. Granted my diaper changing days ended some years ago but you know what I mean.

The "plan" had always included me going back to school at some point. I mean after all, for the last eighteen years he's built a name for himself within his industry and has climbed the proverbial corporate ladder. After being by his side through all of that my reward is a job working my ass off at Wal Mart for peanuts AND raising six kids mostly by myself?? Well golly gee! Aren't I the lucky one??? (Yes I AM being sarcastic AND using a certain obscene gesture.)

And what the hell is this notion of his that we can "co~exist"? Be married but well.. not in the way that really counts in the end. Is he flippin' serious????? Just how long does he think we can play that little game??? Until he decides which little home wrecking, whore he wants to be his new victim... ummm.. err.. wife?

But then I think... well ok.. maybe I can do this.. this "co~existing" thing. What are the rules?? Or conditions?? If you prefer that word instead. How does one even begin to process something like that. Is there a rule book out there somewhere which explains, in detail, how a married couple goes from being a married couple, to being a married couple but in name only?

If I wasn't the one dealing with all of this I might actually find this situation amusing and entertaining. However, it's MY life so I'm less inclined to enjoy it. Imagine that.

I'll probably get...

...blasted out of the water for this... from several directions. So let's just cut to the chase now. If you don't like what I'm about to say please feel free to keep it to yourself. I. Don't. Care what you think. K? K. :o)

Now that THAT is out of the way... seriously folks.. it's been seven months. SEVEN!!! THAT is not natural for a married couple. I'm sorry, it's just not. At least it was never natural for THIS married couple. (Six kids.. need I say more.)

SOMETHING has GOT to give... and soon!!!!!!!!!!

Independence Day...

It feels different this year. Like it means something. To me. On a personal level. I never imagined I'd be facing life as a possible divorced single parent of six. I didn't get married thinking it wouldn't be forever.

But as I should know at my age things don't always turn out the way we planned.

I don't know what the future holds for my marriage. I don't know if in a year we'll look back and think "Wow.. we almost screwed it all up.". I don't know if we'll be able to fix whatever it is that's broken.

He and I are in different places right now. I need to focus on myself and moving forward to the next phase. I loved being a stay at home parent. Most of the time. I won't lie and say I loved every second of it. But I was present for all of the most important moments in my kids lives.

But let's face it. They're all in school full time now. For about six to seven hours a day I am alone. With no one other than some furry friends to talk to. I'm bored. Really bored. And I think that may be 99% of MY issues with myself.

I need a part time job. I need to take some class or classes. I need to do both. And soon. Now to just get over that nasty social anxiety disorder thing, lol.. I am so NOT a people person. Where can one find a job where one does not have to interact with people? Ever. Like... at all. I know.. tall order.

Working on no sleep..

...so don't expect this to make sense:o)

Some will judge me. Some have judged me. It is evident in the absence of things.

I expected that. Accept that it is what it is. Not everyone is understanding. Not everyone can try and see through the eyes of another. I can. And I have.

When I was a little girl I had a poster in my room. It was of a little girl, standing in a field of flowers and grass. My parents insisted the little girl looked just like me. And in retrospect she did. At the bottom of the poster was this quote "Today is the first day of the rest of your life.".

I am almost forty-one years old and I finally really understand it. I'd love to find that poster. The exact same one I had and hang it somewhere prominent in my home.

Although.. at present it doesn't feel like a home. It's simply a house. A place for our things. A place for us to sleep and eat. I need to make it a home again. With or without the buffoon's help or input.

He's here. He refuses to go anywhere. I am certainly not leaving my home or taking my children out of their home. And I am NOT going anywhere without my children. But I don't have to pay attention to him. It will be hard. And the kids will "force" us to communicate on some level. As will the every day things that adults deal with. But he's gone nearly fifteen hours a day. Monday through Friday.

It won't be hard to pretend he doesn't exist. Ok.. well maybe that's pushing it a bit.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.