And so it comes to an end....

It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt compelled to blog. The past several months have been ripe with change and adjustment. As I sit facing the conclusion of a long standing issue in my life I find that I’m feeling a very mixed bag of emotions. I’m relieved, a little sad, slightly apprehensive, a tiny bit angry and even somewhat excited. While new beginnings can be daunting they’re also a chance to start with a fresh slate. And this is what I’m trying to focus on. I don’t expect it to be easy but I do know that I am capable and WILL come out in the end a stronger, better person. I’m already on my way there.

The start of my first term at Berks Technical Institute has been a Godsend. I find my motivation and determination to excel in all of my classes gives me an energy I haven’t felt in a quite awhile. Though I’m just beginning my fourth week of the term I am currently carrying a 4.0 GPA and have already begun exceeding my own expectations for myself.

My class instructors are engaging, funny and obviously dedicated to helping their students reach their goals. I find myself looking forward to Monday mornings so I can head back to class. The content of my classes, even the dreaded Math class, is interesting and often times fascinating. Which makes it easy to concentrate on the information being presented to me as well as enabling me to retain said information. And for the first time in my entire life I ENJOY homework. ENJOY it!! I don’t think I have ever used the word “enjoy” and “homework” in the same sentence.

This coming weekend, in addition to celebrating Mother’s Day with my children, I will be turning the page on a rather large chapter of my life and saying good-bye to it for good. While my logical brain knows this is the best course of action for everyone involved, my heart still feels a keen sense of loss. Despite my confidence that this is the way it should be I can’t help but get a little nostalgic. I’ve had to re-evaluate myself and rethink what it is that I want out of the rest of my life. I’ve learned that this will continue to be an ongoing process. I have also learned that what we want isn’t always what is best for us. God answers our prayers but not always in the way we’d hope he would. We have to take what life hands us and make it work the best that we can. Whining, complaining and cursing the hand we’ve been dealt solves nothing. It only serves to annoy the people around us and prevents us from moving forward.

I’ve learned that you have to cherish what you have.. Always. Because you never know when it will be gone. Sometimes second chances don’t pan out and we find ourselves faced with inevitable change that, though we may not think we’re ready for, we have to face head on or we’ll sink in despair. No one and no one thing is worth the loss of ourselves.

I suspect the next few years will be filled with tough roads to travel and setbacks to contend with. But I also know that they will be filled with new discoveries about myself, the discovery of new friends and new chances to take. I don’t regret anything I’ve done or not done in the past. Each moment, each experience, has helped to shape me into the person I am today. A strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful person.

Thirteen days, Four and a half hours...

...until I begin my first day of classes at BTI.

I'm a feeling a multitude of emotions. Excitement, a little scared and nervous, confidence... did I mention nervous???

I KNOW I can do this and I KNOW I can do it well. I'm doing this first and foremost for myself but I'm also doing it for my children. And lastly I'm doing so I can rub it in the faces of all of my naysayers when I graduate in two years with flying colors. That diploma will be a big ol' F**K YOU to all of the assholes who tried to talk me out of doing it and dared to tell me I wouldn't succeed.

The best revenge is to live life to the fullest. And I plan on having my revenge and will enjoy every second of it. :)

Everyone poops...

That’s the name of kids’ book. Really. Swear to God. It is. My fellow parents know what I’m talking about. It's a book geared towards potty training tots. (Obviously.)

Somehow a copy of this book took up residence in my house during one of the many potty training periods I’ve lived through. Likely bought by me in a vein attempt to come up with something, anything, to get my newest toddler to use the potty regularly. Six kids in a ten year period means I changed a LOT of diapers.

My Mother, while visiting her Grandchildren one fine Sunday afternoon (I have no idea if it was a Sunday or not I just thought that sounded good), spotted the book and immediately started to giggle. A child, I don’t recall which one at this point, upon seeing Nana with the book climbed up in her lap and demanded she read it to them.

What followed should have been recorded on video. Only I was too busy rolling on the floor, with tears streaming down my face in near hysteria listening to my Mother (who is VERY proper) try to read this book with a straight face.

Much like a small child my Mom’s reaction to anything that embarrasses her is to laugh. I don’t think she made it halfway into the book before she was rendered unable to speak due to uncontrollable, near shrieks, of laughter. At which point I had no choice but to the race to the bathroom because I had reached the “OMG I can‘t breath and I have to pee!!!” stage. Six pregnancies, six larger than average babies, and my bladder is not as strong as it used to be.

I have no idea what happened to our beloved copy of “Everyone Poops” but I think it should be required reading for all newly single divorcee’s. Oh yes she did just say that. See here’s the thing. I’ve been “out of the game” so says those in the know, for nearly twenty years. That’s almost half of my life. I was twenty-two the last time I was single.

I’ve grown up with my husband. I’ve also grown old with him. He knew me when… When I wasn’t toting around a few extra pounds. When I didn’t have stretch marks across my stomach that are so prominent you could map the route from here to Tennessee with them. When I didn't have to rely on $10 bottles of hair color to hide the telltale gray. He knew me when I was young, idealistic and had my entire life ahead of me.

My journey from that to washed up, exhausted, shell shocked single Mom of six has left it’s toll on my body and my psyche. I’m not sure I have the energy or the stamina to explore the terrain of dating after forty. So.. What was the point I was trying to make?? Oh yeah.. Everyone Poops. Why it should be required reading for all newly single (or hell still single) forty-something year olds.

Because… everyone ages. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has fears and dreams. Everyone has something about them that they’d much rather no one else knew about. In other words.. everyone poops. So maybe, the key to successfully maneuvering through the wild world of dating is to simply see everyone with clear eyes and have no well defined expectations save for the “deal breakers”. Ya’ know cleanliness, courteousness, the ability to spell basic words and maybe even some big words in addition to the sense to know how to use them properly in a sentence. (Poor spelling and grammar <~~~~~~~~~~~~ HUGE pet peeves of mine)

And maybe I’m kidding myself.. Or suffering from lack of sleep… Maybe I'll just join a convent..

My horoscope for today...

Saturday, Feb 5th, 2011 -- You may have thought that you would be ready for change no matter what happens, but you grow more contemplative as the day wears on. You know that you should be thankful for certain aspects of your life, yet you also are too aware of those things that still need improvement. Nevertheless, don't focus on what's wrong; concentrate on all the little things that you could do to continue your personal growth.

I know these things are written in general terms that can apply to just about anyone's life. And that they are meant for pure entertainment. However, I am often struck at how spot on they are for me. It's a little eerie to be honest with you. And today's was no different.

I really believed, for the longest time, that I was ready for the upcoming changes in my life. I've spent the better part of the last year convincing myself that I really do want a divorce. The truth is... I don't. I want my life back. I want to stop feeling like everything is crumbling around me.

I want to stop crying at the slightest provocation. Some stupid commercial comes on and I find myself sobbing. I come across some memento and I'm sniffling and reaching for the tissues. I've stopped listening to music all together. Including my beloved Kenny Chesney. Especially him. Because just about every one of his songs has some meaning for me and I'm a puddle of tears before the first chorus. So I drive in silence and my iPod sits unused in my lap top bag.

I know on a logical level that my marriage is over. Too many things have been said and done for us to turn back now. It would take years for either of us to trust the other again if that were even possible. It would take endless strength to look past the things that we've both done to hurt one another in the last year. Yes, I'm as guilty as he is. And though most of the things I said and did were in retaliation for things he said and did it doesn't change the fact that they happened. Nor does that make me blameless.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. That I didn't miss "us".

People tell me "You'll find someone again someday." And that's possible but whoever that person may be they're going to have one tough customer on their hands. I have completely lost the ability to trust. Something I never was really good at in the first place. But now? Now I see all men as the enemy. None of them is worthy of my trust or love. I know, logically, that's the pain talking. But I've been burned and I've been burned bad. So, at the moment, the idea of becoming the old lady who lives alone with a million cats and terrorizes the neighborhood kids is more than just a little appealing.

The very idea of getting myself involved with a man again terrifies me.

When will these moments stop??

While on the hunt for the USB cable for my camera I came across an old anniversary card from him. I should have tossed it aside and kept looking for the damn cord. But instead, because apparently I'm a glutton for punishment, I opened it.

It's a simple card. One of those musical ones. On the front it says, "You're my dream come true..." and inside, "Always have been, always will.." He wrote "Here's to another 15! Love You, Skip". The song it plays is called "You" by two guys I've never heard of.

Now I'm a puddle. Red eyes, nose running, my face wet with tears. I thought I was past all of this. Obviously I'm not.

Yeah, here's to another fifteen. My ass. From what he's saying now and has said over the past year he wasn't "in love" with me back then either.

I'm torn between saving the card, because maybe someday I'll be able to look at it with fondness, and tossing it into the garbage. It IS garbage as is the sentiment so cavalierly written inside of it.

So how come every time I start towards the trash can do I start crying?

Logan

This kid is going to be the death of me. I am convinced that he is bound and determined to drive me straight into a padded cell at the local insane asylum.

Every school morning since Kindergarten we have "the episodes". Before the child's eyes are even open he starts wailing that he doesn't want to go to school. EVERY morning. Not just some mornings. EVERY morning. His reasons range from "It's boring." to "It's too long." Mind you he used that excuse when he was in Kindergarten and his school day wasn't even three hours long.

I have been in constant contact with his teachers, school counselor and all of the other members of his IEP team. We have all brainstormed and tried various techniques to end the tirade of gloom every morning. Nothing works. So I've learned to ignore it. I don't react at all. Ok, so sometimes, when I've successfully ignored it for weeks on end I may get a little frustrated and say something like, "LOGAN!! You HAVE to go to school EVERY day and you HAVE to go to school EVERY day for the next eleven years so GET OVER IT!!!" Which is met with increased wailing and I end up feeling like a rotten mother with an intense urge to bang my head against a wall repeatedly.

Now, I should point out that the wailing stops the second I pull up to the school to drop the kids off each morning. It's as if a switch flips in him. And all of his teachers have told me he is perfectly fine in school. He socializes, laughs and has a grand old time with his classmates. AND at the end of the day he'll tell me he's had a great day. The next morning? The wailing starts all over again.

This morning we had a two hour delay due to the snow we were hit with overnight. So I was able to let Logan wake up on his own. He came downstairs, smiling and chipper, no doubt thinking we must have a snow day. I made him breakfast and then informed him of the two hour delay. He looked at me thoughtful for a few seconds then announced, "I still don't want to go to school." Hey, at least he wasn't wailing at me. Yet. I told him he had to go to school. And guess what? He started wailing. "Awwwwwwwwwwwww!!! I don't wanna go to schoooooooool!!!"

REALLY?? Seriously??? Come on!!! I mean in three years, THREE, I have NEVER responded to his wailing with a cheerful, "Well OK sweetheart! If you don't want to go to school you don't have too." NEVER. Those words have NEVER passed my lips in response to his wails. Does he REALLY think that if he keeps it up, ad nauseam, that I am suddenly going to cave into his demands??? Because I'm not. And he HAS to know that by now.

Oh dear God. Give me strength. He is now wailing that he doesn't want to be driven to school. He wants to walk. Which I occasionally allow (with his older sister and brother) WHEN IT'S NOT 28 DEGREES OUTSIDE WITH SNOW ON THE GROUND!!!

Someone shoot me now.

More Riley-isms..

We watched Disney's The Princess and the Frog tonite with the kids.

During the scene where the firefly dies Riley, in all of his nine year old wisdom, says, "Oh how dramatic... it starts to rain just as he dies.", with a rolling his eyes kind of voice. This kid is a pip!

Then towards the end when Tiana and the Prince are finally turned back into humans he pipes up, "Now WHY didn't they think of getting married from the very beginning???" LOL!! I explained that they hadn't fallen in love yet. He just gave me his "Oh puhlease..", look.

God I love this kid!